Humor Thread

New Texas priest


A new priest, born and raised in Texas, comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.

>>>>The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few
suggestions.
>>>>The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like 'yes,
I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'
>>>>The new priest crosses
his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats all the suggested
remarks to the old priest.
>>>>The old priest says, "Now, don't you think
that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying,
>>>>"No sh^it, what happened next?"

 

Like ahhhh. No shit eh?

 

Last night ( haloween) I was going to go out dressed up like a politician. But I couldn't get my head shoved up my ass.

 

A couple were about to be married. The groom walks with the biggest smile on his face up to the alter where his best man is waiting.

The best man says, "Wow. You are really happy."

The groom replies, "I just got the best blow-job of my life and I am marrying the woman who gave it!"

The bride has an equal happiness about her.

The maid of honor asks about her smile which is now chiseled into her face.

The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow-job I will ever have to give."

 

Getting on a bike backwards is not always bad!

 

The Surgeon General has issued a warning to men who consume excessive beer on a regular basis. Severe and irreversible damage can be done to men who over indulge in the ingestion of beer.

 

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink Beer?
Man: Yes.

Woman: How many Beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay Per Beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been Drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I Suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be Approximately $5400 …Correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for Inflation, The past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, Correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much Beer, That money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now Bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink Beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

 

What does a Mexican use to cut a small pizza?
......little caesars.

 

What day is today?

 

Randy, that was awesome!

Dammit, we need that like button back!

 

Girl and guys modeling with Ducatis.
( Not that there's anything wrong with it BUT may cause throw up in mouth )

Linky:
http://doublemesh.com/men-posing-like-motorcycle-models/

Example:

 

THE GOVERNMENT'S NEW SYMBOL IS THAT OF A CONDOM,



because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation,
protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed!


Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that !

 

An Israeli doctor says: "in Israel, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man’s testicles, put them on another man and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work.

“The German doctor says: "that’s nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work.

“The Russian doctor says: “gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another person's chest and in 2 weeks he is looking for work.

“The United States doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. five years ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart and no balls and made him President. Now, the whole country is looking for work !

 

The Dreaded Phone Call from the boss.

My boss phoned me today. He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"

I said, "It’s all under control. It's been a very busy day. I haven't stopped to take a break all day."

"Can you do me a favour?" he asked.

I said "Of course,

What is it?"

"Pick up the pace a little. I'm in the group behind you."

 

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They
Rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the
Initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she
Met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is
A partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft
Apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school.
They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become
A doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial
Investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and
Have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her
Boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own
Vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts
Out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small
Apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that
She and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home.
They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent.

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

 

A guy is on vacation in Jamaica when after several drinks at a bar has to take a leak. The urinal is a large trough.

Just then one of the locals saunters up, unzips and starts to relieve himself too. The tourist glances over and to his astonishment the local has a similar tattoo on his penis.

Having had a few he says "hey bud, I don't mean to pry but I noticed we both have a W and a Y on our penises. Is your girlfriends name Wendy too?"

The local says "No mon"
Tourist: "Well what does it say?"
Local: "Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

The new math in China.

 

Had a conversation with Willy Nelson a few months back. We are talking about how the media and people in general are quick to be critical of celebrities.

"I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

 

Subject of this is not meant to be about Obama however that is comical too, But wait till you see what Stewart fro the Daily Show has to say about Toronto's mayor Rob Ford. It is so bad, he is being asked not to attend this years Santa Clause Parade, by not only adults, kids too.

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2013/1...d-video_n_4280983.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular