Humor Thread

Fucking shame I say! A uni-corn was funny though. If I didnt have an intimate relationship with every nut and bolt of this generation bike it wouldnt hit home as much as this picture does. If I saw the owner, I would punch that bastard in his bread basket! WTF? he removed one of the front disks? Probabably warped and the food stamps he was on couldnt buy a new pair, I give up.

 

Take one please...

 

So. I reveal to my wife that it is a deep fantasy of mine to have sex with two women at the same time.

To my surprise she agreed. She had this devilish grin on her face. That quickly diminished when I told her she was not one of them. That's when the fight started.

 

For a man, watching yourself go bald is like watching a horror movie that is 30 years long.

 

Funny you should post this. I attended a funeral last Sunday, where I met up with a bunch of old friends from my high school days. They all looked like a bunch of old farts with no hair on top and only a band of thin gray hair around the back side like ear warmers. We all laughed because nobody escaped unscathed by the ravages of time and yet we were all the same as we were twenty something years ago. There was one who had somehow dodged the bullit. Strangely he had a full head of dark brown hair. Nobody trusted him!

 

I still have most of mine but it is kinda turned colour. Matches my bike sorta.

 

I was avoiding the subject of hair with my gf hoping it would just resolve itself.... but no. My forehead grows larger by the year and I'm greying in patches ( it couldn't be evened out oh hell no ). Damn you time! Damn you all to hell!!

 

You guys are lucky. I go to buy beer wearing a hat or beanie and I get carded, no hat and the checker just addresses me as sir, no ID necessary. 'Have a nice evening sir.' Frackin genes...

 

When I go to get my hair cut, and I'm asked how I want it done, I say "what does it matter at this point? Have it your way. I lost interest years ago."

 

Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?Yes, here is a paper bag !

 

Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten.
Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either.

So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him.

As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming, "Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".

Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded, "Who the hell ARE you?".

Too that the Missus replied, "I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".

To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister."

 

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.

"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.

The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."

"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."

O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.

Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.

"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."

"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

 

A Texan, a Californian and a Seattlite were all drinking in a bar.
After a while, the Texan grabbed a bottle of tequila, threw it in the air and shot it into a thousand pieces. "Don't you boys worry about it," said the Texan, "we have plenty of tequila deep in the heart of Texas. "
The Californian, not wanting to be outdone, selected a bottle of fine wine, tossed it up, and shot it into smitherines. "Hey, don't sweat it dudes," chirped the Californian, "There's zillions of bottles of wine in Cali."
The Seattlite, following suit, guzzled down a bottle of micro-brewed beer, chucked it towards the rafters, shot the Californian, and (without missing a beat) pulled out his hand and caught the beer bottle. Everyone in the bar stood frozen in shock.
"Relax, kids," said the Seattlite cooly, "Up in Seattle, there's a freakin' shitload of Californians. No big deal."

 

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what do you say -- should we get naked?"

The two immediately strip to the buff and sit back down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady says slyly, "My breasts burn for you now as they did 50 years ago."

"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

 

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."

Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked..

"To get my teeth!"

 

To Do List
First Day of Spring.

1. Shovel the walk
2. Scrape the windshield
3. Break icicles off the gutters
4. Shovel snow off the roof
5. Salt the sidewalks
6. Defrost the water pipes
7. Reschedule cancelled Airline reservations
8. Chip ice off care door
9. Tow frozen care to garage to defrost the radiator
10. Put groundhog in oven w/BBQ sauce

 

(Similar ones...)

An old couple celebrates their 50th wedding anniversary in their home.

"Just think," the old man says, "we were sitting here at this same breakfast table, naked as jaybirds, 50 years ago."

"Well," the old lady snickers, "what were thinking"?

The old man says "I was thinking that I'd screw your brains out".

Coyly she says "And what are thinking now"?

Old guy: "That it worked".

**************************

An old couple celebrates their 50th anniversary rocking on their porch chairs.

Out of nowhere, the old lady picks up here cane and smashes her husband across the shins.

Tears well up in his eyes, but he doesn't say a word until after a few minutes have passed.

Him: "What was that for"?

Her: "That's for 50 years of bad sex".

He nods.

A few minutes later, the old guy picks up his cane ans smashes his wife across the shins.

She winces, tears well up in her eyes, but doesn't say a word for about 5 minutes.

Her: "What was that for"?

Him: "That's for knowing the difference".

 

MAN RULES

AT LAST A GUY HAS TAKEN THE TIME TO WRITE THIS ALL DOWN
FINALLY, the guys' side of the story. ( I MUST ADMIT, IT'S PRETTY GOOD.)

WE ALWAYS HEAR 'THE RULES' FROM THE FEMALE SIDE
NOW HERE ARE THE RULES FROM THE MALE SIDE

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY MEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A LAUGH...

PASS THIS TO AS MANY WOMEN AS YOU CAN - TO GIVE THEM A BIGGER LAUGH, BECAUSE ITS TRUE!

 

Irish wedding



At the Irish wedding reception, the D.J. yelled...

"Would all married men please stand next to the one person
who has made your life worth living."?
The bartender was almost crushed to death,
but is expected to survive

 

Rob: Hey Randy. Is that a new putter you got there?
Randy: Yup!
Rob: Nice. What happened to your other one?
Randy: It couldn't swim.