Humor Thread

FEMALE POEM
I Want a man that's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, be not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.!
Oh! For a man that makes love to my mind,
and knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs
who owns a liquor store, a big boat and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

^ i like it!!!

and who sez Canadians dont have a sense of humour

Nice avatar :smile:

 

A woman was in a coma, she had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her. They tried it again and sure enough there was a small, recognizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure, maybe she choked

 

Its all fucked up!!! Not my Fault...last post wuz a Candaian...Is a New Jersiannnn, the same???

 

Di you know, 95% of all Harleys are still on the road?
The other 5% actually made it home!

Harleys are chick magnets only for those chicks with steel plates in the heads.

You know you are riding a Harley when you get passed by a Vespa.

The largest collection of Harley jokes can be found annually at Sturgis where the collective IQ is about 120.

Harleys are very much like farm dogs. They bark loud and continuous and are most often. found in the back of a pick up truck

 

As I get a bit older and have a bit more time, I sometimes have to create opportunities to keep my deductive reasoning skills sharp.

I mowed the lawn today and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was gorgeous, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question: Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reasoning behind my conclusion:

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case . . . still sharp as a tack.

 

I'm reaching out because a friend of mine Tony, needs some help !!!!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

Can you help him ?

 

I squirted a little pee with that one.

 

That was excellent!!! LOL

 

How To Kill a Mustache - YouTube

 

Hystrical! I applied to colleges back in the day when I wore one, I looked Mexican, I got accepted to many Universities,,,Is that politically correct? F emmm

 

There is a flight going from Houston to Detroit. A blonde woman on the flight decides to take it upon herself to move from the economy section to the first class section. A stewardess goes to the blonde and says, "Im sorry mam' your are going to have to move back to the economy class, into the seat that you paid for." The blonde says, "Im blonde, Im beautiful, and Im not leaving this seat." The stewardess goes to the flight deck and reports the problem to the pilot and co-pilot. The co-pilot say that he will take care of it. The co-piolot says to the blonde, "This area is for people who paid for their first class seating. You are going to have to go back to economy class to the seat you paid for." The blonde again says, "Im blonde, Im beautiful, and Im not leaving this seat." The co-pilot returns to the cockpit and is frustrated. He tells the captain that they may need to have Detroit police waiting at the gate. The pilot say, "Im married to a blonde and I know how to handle this situation." The pilot goes to the blonde and whispers in her ear. The blonde say, "thank you captain," and returns to her seat. The co-pilot and stewardess are astonished. The co-pilot says, "wow, what did you tell the blonde woman to make her move back to her seat." The pilot says," I told her that first class wasn't going to Detroit."

 

Depends...If they accepted you to do lawn maintenence at the colleges then probably not lol.... (from the not P/C joketavist)

:funky:

 

At the local church at the end of the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his
scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate
operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith."

The entire congregation held its breath............

"I just want to tell my wife the word is Sternum."

 

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forwards,
then backwards, forward, then backwards again....back and forth...back and
forth...in and out...in and out.

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at
first, then began to groan louder. Finally, totally exhausted, she let out
an almighty scream then shouted

"OK, OK! SO I CAN'T park the effen car! You do it you Smug Git"

 

Another scotch/genie joke

Duncan McTavish is walking home drunk from a bar one night. As he’s' walking he sees a bottle of scotch on the ground. He picks it up and is disappointed that the bottle is empty. He goes to throw the bottle when Poof! a genie appears. "I am the genie of the bottle and I shall grant you one wish." Duncan is in aww. He was just thinking how he wants scotch and he loves the drink so much. Duncan says " alright laddy. I you’re' a proper genie I wish fer every time I piss dat its dah best tasten scotch evea!" The genie waves his hand and says " you’re wish has been granted," and disappears back into the empty bottle of scotch. Just then and there he has the urge to piss. So Duncan lifts up his kilt and starts to piss. As he is pissing he cups his hand into the stream then finishes peeing. He firsts smells it and says, "Whell it smells like scotch." Then he tastes it, "Oh meh lord in hevan!! Dis iz dah best tasten scotch evea!!!" When he gets home to his wife he yells, "Lass!!!! Come 'ear an get us two small glasses from dah cupboard!" His wife shows up with the two glasses. He lifts his kilt and begins to pee in the two glasses. At first Duncans wife is apphauled. Then Duncan explains about the genie and the pissing scotch and drinks his glass. The wife, hesitant at first drinks her glass then says, "Meh lord!!! That is some really good scotch!!!" For the rest of the night they go on drinking till they pass out. The next night Duncan comes home. "Lass! Go to dah cupboard und bring meh a glass!" The wife comes with only one glass. Duncan pisses in the glass and starts to drink. His wife says, "whell yah stingy bum... what aboot meh???" Duncan looks at her and says, "Tahnight my dear, you’re drinkin from dah bottle!"

 

Every day Janice walks to and from work and every time she passes the pet store the talking parrot that the store keeps right outside the door, squawks and says..."Hey Lady, your ugly!". This goes on for a few days. Janice knows she's not very attractive, but thinks that this is just rude and one day goes into the store and tells the manager that if he cannot keep that parrot from saying such rude things she'll have the parrot taken away. The manager sincerely apologizes to her and says that at a minimum he'll keep the parrot inside and make sure he stops saying rude things.

After a few weeks the parrot seemed to behave himself and the store owner thought that maybe he'll do a dry run and put the parrot in the window instead of outside the store. Janice walks by the window a few days in a row and not a word from the parrot, seeing this, she tells the store owner thank you and says if he wants to put the parrot outside, she has no problem with that. So the next day the store owner puts the parrot outside and as Janice walks by, the parrot once again squawks and says, "Hey lady...You know"

 

One day little Johnny was in the garage bothering his dad, who was busy working on the car. Not wanting to be mean to little Johnny, the dad figured he’d give him something to keep him occupied. The dad reached into his pocket and pulled out a dollar and told Johnny, “Here’s a buck, why don’t you go out and by what’s what’. So Johnny took the dollar and went to the corner 7-11, he asked the clerk, “Hey mister, do you have any what’s what?” The clerk answers “No”, but to try over at the hardware store.
So Johnny goes to the hardware store and asks the clerk there, “Hey mister, do you have any what’s what?” ”No”, said the clerk, “maybe you can find it at the 99 cent store”. “Perfect!”, says Johnny, “I’ll have more than enough then”. So off he goes to the 99 cent store and again asks the question, “Do you guys carry what’s what?” “No” comes back the answer. At this point little Johnny is close to tears and starts sniffling…”My dad sent me out to buy what’s what but why doesn’t anyone carry it?” Realizing the situation the clerk says to Johnny, maybe your dad forgot to tell you to check with one of your neighbors”
Little Johnny’s eyes lit up, “Yeah, I’ll try Mrs. Jones, she’s really nice, I’m sure she’ll have it and sell it to me”. Knock, knock, knock… Knock, knock, knock…little Johnny starts knocking on Mrs. Jones door, but she was just stepping out of the shower and didn't want to answer the door, until she peeked out the window and saw that it was only little Johnny. Answering the door in her towel, she asks little Johnny what he wanted, but as she opened the door, her towel got caught on the handle and was ripped off of her. Little Johnny stood there staring at Mrs. Jones glistening body…”Oh my Mrs. Jones, what’s that?” asks, little Johnny as he points to Mrs. Jones naughty bits. Not wanting to give him a lesson in anatomy, she coyly answers, “What’s what?” “Really?!, Can I have a dollars’ worth?”

 

A man was riding on a Greyhoud bus when suddenly he is struck with horrible gas pains and gurlging sounds emanating from his stomach. He clenches his cheeks together and penguin walks back to the bathroom, but it is out of order. He wimpers, but turns around and makes his way up to the driver.

"Excuse me, we need to make a stop. I am not feeling well and the bathroom is out of order." The man manages to say nervously.

"No stops!" the bus driver bellowed.

"But sir," the man begins, but the driver won't stand for it. "This bus is always on schedule! I will not make a pit stop just because you are feeling puny!"

The man sits down as soon as he is able, but the obvious discomfort on his face (and the increasingly louder gurlging from his bowels) begin to worry the other passengers and embarrass the man. He forces himself to go up to the driver again. "Sir, I must demand that you pull over immediately! If you do not, you are going to have a lawsuit on your hands! Not just from me, but from everyone on this bus who has to witness what will happen if I do not get to a restroom!"

The driver grudginly agrees and pulls into a close by rest stop. The man immediately bolts from the bus and makes a bee line to the bathroom. Literally bursting open the door and shouldering open the stall. What follows is the most horrific sounds of flattulence, gasps of air, spatter, splashes, and plops.

"Jesus christ!", said someone from the next stall over.

The guy replies, "You think that's impressive? Just wait until I get these pants off!"