Humor Thread

Great exercise routine

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Married Golfing

During the 4th hole the following conversations took place:

First Guy :
You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend...
I had to promise my wife that I will weed her garden next weekend.

Second Guy :
That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will clean out the basement.

Third Guy :
Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him : 'You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?'

Fourth guy :
I just set my alarm for 5 am. When it went off, I gave the wife a slap on her butt and said:
'Golf course or intercourse?
She said: 'Don't forget your sun-block."

 

The current US Budget.

* U.S. Tax revenue: $2,170,000,000,000
* Fed budget: $3,820,000,000,000
* New debt: $ 1,650,000,000,000
* National debt: $14,271,000,000,000
* Recent budget cuts: $ 38,500,000,000

Remove 8 zeros and pretend it's a household budget: :wink:

* Annual family income: $21,700
* Money the family spent: $38,200
* New debt on the credit card: $16,500
* Outstanding balance on the credit card: $142,710
* Total budget cuts so far: $385

 

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

 

Ole is a farmer in Montana . He needs a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (that would be North Dakota).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls...the
cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again.
Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Montana , he calls over his neighbor Sven, and says, 'Sven, come look at dis ere new cow I yust bought.'

'Pull her tit, and see vat happens.' Sven reaches under, pulls the tits - and the cow farts.

Sven looks at Ole, 'You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?'

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, 'Yah, dats right. But how'd yah know?'

Sven says, 'My wife's from Nordakota.'

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.


She says, 'Hello.'


He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'


To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'


Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.


So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'


She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie are talking about screams of passion.

The Italian fellow said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her Body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes."

The Frenchman said:
"Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil, and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

The Aussie said:
That's nothing!!!. Last night I massaged my wife ,you know, all over her body with a special butter.I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours ?....wow that's phenomenal !
How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?"
The Aussie replied
"I wiped my hands on the curtains."

:chaingun::chaingun:

 

Subject: FW: God Bless Cowboys





Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
________________________________________
Cheers.....

 

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a retired man about his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors.

"Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon".

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," the guy replied, "I'm just a really shitty golfer".

 

A man driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery, He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I can stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him , and even fix his car again. That night, he hears the same mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier. The next morning he asks what the wound was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “ Alright, alright, I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “ You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will then become a monk.” The man sets out on his task. Some forty five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and I have found what you asked for. There are 375,294,785,346,765 blades of grass and 567,932,589,363,340 sand pebbles on the earth. The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “the sound you seek is behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob but the door is locked. He asks, “may I have the key?” The monks give him the key and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key and he opens the door only to find another door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide a key to the ruby door. Behind that door is a door made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally the monks say, “ This is the key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of the strange and mystical sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight. But I can’t tell you what it is because….you’re not a monk!

 

For dinner tonight I am basically having cereal, no meat. Barley mostly. Well all barley. Malted Barley. Oh fuck! Alright then! I am drinking scotch for dinner. Dammit!!!!!!

 

A man walks into a bar. Sitting at the bar is a patron. On the bar beside the patron is something unusual. As the man gets closer he notices that on the bar is a really small piano and a man about a foot tall playing Mozart on the piano. The man asks the patron, "wholly crap! That is the most amazing thing I have ever seen....Where did you get that???" The patron replys, " See that bottle of scotch at the end of the bar? There is a genie in the bottle and will grant you one wish if you rub the bottle." The man walks to the end of the bar picks up the bottle and rubs it. Poof!!! A genie appears. The genie is glassy eyed and seems a little inebriated. "I am the genie of the bottle, (hiccup) I shall grant you one wish (hiccup)" The mans says to the genie, "I wish for a Million bucks!" The genie waves his hand, belches and says, "youre wish has been granted," then disappears back in the scotch bottle. The man is feeling really good and walks back towards the patron. As he does all of a sudden ducks start flying into the bar. Lots and lots of ducks. The man realizes what is happening and says, "What the fuck is this shit!!! I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks!" The patron turns to the man and says, " Do you really think I wished for a 12" pianist?"

 

I didn't make it out for a run today, or even to the gym. That's not good. It has been five years in a row now.

 

Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?..." Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."

 

A drunken old man walks into a rough biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man I tell you, she is one fine looking piece of ass!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad ass biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The old drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma boy and she is really good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says... "Grandpa, Go home, you're drunk."

 

A Plan to save bankrupt airlines:

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-lookin' strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?


The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.


Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.


Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?


Sincerely,

Bill Clinton

 

A young man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist: Could you please give me a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner and I think she is expecting something from me!"


The pharmacist gives him a condom; and as the young man is going out, he returns and tells him: "Give me another condom because my girlfriend's sister is very cute too. She always crosses her legs in a provocative manner when she sees me and I think she expects something from me too." The pharmacist gives him a second condom; and as the boy is leaving he turns back and says;


"After all, give me one more condom because my girlfriend's mom is still pretty cute, and when she sees me she always makes allusions...and since she invited me for dinner, I think she is expecting something from me!!"


During dinner, the young man is sitting with his girlfriend on his left, the sister on his right and the mom facing him.

When the dad gets there, the boy lowers his head and starts praying:


"Dear Lord, bless this dinner... thank you for all you give us...!!!"
A minute later the boy is still praying:


"Thank you Lord for your kindness..."Ten minutes go on and the boy is still praying, keeping his head down. The others look at each other surprised and his girlfriend even more than the others.


She gets close to the boy and whispers in his ear:

"I did not know you were so religious!!!"


The boy replies: I didn't know your dad was a pharmacist!!!"

 

Tonto & The Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically , it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than buffalo shit. It means someone stole tent."

 

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person,? Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I?m lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.? My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely.? Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.
?
?
Sinseerly,
?
Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.




Employer Response:

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

 

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $280,000 &your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.


The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a$280,000 mortgage & no bike!"