Humor Thread

Drive at your own risk in British Columbia

 

An Arab Muslim enters a taxi cab in Dallas , Texas ..........

Once he is seated he asks the cab driver to turn off the radio because he must not hear music as decreed by his religion and; in the time of the prophet, there was no music, especially Western music, which is music of the infidel's, and certainly no radio ........

So the cab driver politely switches off the radio, pulls over to the side, stops the cab and opens the back door.

The Arab asks him: What are you doing?

The cabbie replies: In the time of the prophet there were no cabs either, so get your a$$ out and wait for a camel

 

I tried playing frisbee with my dog on the weekend. It was a complete waste of time - I think I need a flatter dog....

 

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic with the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said………......

“From all of us at the Fire Station.

We'll never forget you."

 

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was.

Walking slowly up to the holy site, she watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop.
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man.
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

 

Ethel, 80 and Bessie, 83 were out to lunch one day. During their main course, Bessie looks and Ethel and says "I've got a secret to tell you. I'm having an affair."

Ethel replies, "Oh really? Who is catering?"

 

That should teach her by Top YouTube on Socialcam - Aug 09

 

The jokes on him, bet he never gets rid of them....

When first dating, my missus used to park under a big tree in her front yard no amount of spray totally rid the family of huntsman spiders infesting her car.....They always seemed to pop up while driving when least expected ie scurrying out of the air vent when turning the fan on or dropping on my lap when flipping the sun visor down, we ended up trading it.

 

The Nurse

Upon entering the ER room, the nurse asked the man what is wrong.

"You promise you won't laugh," said the man.

"Well, I've been an ER nurse for over 20 years. I've seen it all, heard it all, and have never laughed at anyone's injuries or problems. I am a professional. No worries." She replied.

The man replied, "Well, if you promise you won't laugh then. OK then." He dropped his pants, and there it was. His penis, so small, about the size of a AAA battery.

The nurse left the room, laughing. In a few minutes she came back, apologetically saying "I am SO sorry. I've never done that before. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

The man replied "I took Viagra and it won't go down..."

 

Was at the doctor's the other day to discuss recent blood tests. I told him I ride way too fast to worry about cholesterol.:vtr2: :drums:

 

You never really learn to swear until you ride a bike in Chilliwack, BC

 

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "Honk if you love Jesus" bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed!
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO!" What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach."
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. Then I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing; why, even he was enjoying this religious experience!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

 

When I was in high school many years ago, in one of our health classes they asked all the male students to rearrange the letters below to identify an important part of the human body which is even more useful when erect:

P N E S I


Those who wrote SPINE became doctors...



The rest are all my e-mail friends...

 

A farmer gathered his four sons around him and said, "All right, which one of you young'uns threw the out-house in the river?" No one said a word. The farmenr continued, "Years ago, George, Washington cut down a cherry tree. When his father asked him, George, did you chop down the cherry tree?" George replied. " Yes I did father." His pa rewarded him. Now I repeat my questions, which on e of you young'uns threw the out-house in the river?"

His youngest som stepped forward and said, "It was me, Pop."

Whereupon, the old farmer took him over his knee and whailed the living shit out of him. The little boy looked at him and through tear-filled eyes said, "You told us George Washington got a reward after he confessed to chopping down the cherrry tree."

The farmer said, "Yup, but his father wasn't sitting in the tree when it happened."

 

Like this?

 

MISINTERPRETATION...

I was in a pub last Saturday night, and drank a few, and noticed two very large women by the bar. They both had pretty strong accents, so I asked,

"Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland ?"

One of them chirped saying, "It's WALES, you friggin' idiot!"

So, I immediately apologized and said, "I'm sorry. Are you two whales from Ireland ?"

That's pretty much the last thing I remember...

 

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, “I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.”

The rancher said, “Okay , but don’t go in that field over there…..”, as he pointed out the location.

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, ” Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !” Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.

“See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish…. On any land !!

No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear……do you understand ?!!”

The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher’s big Santa Gertrudis bull……With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he’d sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs…..
“Your badge, show him your BADGE…….. ! !”

 

"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than West Jet Airlines."

 

A man in a Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way. Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there." "Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada." "Yeah?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"