Humor Thread

Kick the ball! Singular...not plural

 

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church , enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk Continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.'

 

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?' 'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk. 'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like
you've had quite a few to drink this evening.' 'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile. 'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?' 'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

 

Searching for humour,still searching.Am I missing something?

 

HEAVEN is where:

The Police are British,

The Chefs are Italian,

The Mechanics are German,

The Lovers are French

and......

It's organized by the Swiss.


HELL is where:

The Police are German,

The Chefs are British,

The Mechanics are French,

The Lovers are Swiss

and ......

It's organized by Italians.

 

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese
businessman and an Italian from New York were waiting one
morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of
them.

The Italian from New York fumed, 'What's with
those jerks? We're waiting fifteen minutes between
shots!

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know,
but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time
is money'!!!

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes the greens
keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Excuse me, Sir! Said the Catholic Priest,
'What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a
group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them
play for free anytime.

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I
think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going
to contact my Ophthalmologist colleague and see if
there's anything that he might be able to do for
them.'

The Chinese businessman replied, 'I think
I'll donate $50,000 to the fire fighters Union in honor
of these brave souls'!

The Italian from New York said, 'Why the hell
can't they play at night?

**********

 

"why men shouldn't be trusted to take messages"

 

That's cute--

 

Hope this isn't a repost:

 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful
and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the
cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not
want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a
wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home. The next day,
one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, 'These
damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the
worst. My wife came home with no panties.'

'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying
in bed with a card stuck in her bum that says: 'From all of us at the Fire
Station. We'll never forget you."

 

One winter morning during breakfast a husband and his blond wife in Pittsburgh were listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park..." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time!

 

Lawyer: And how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All of them.
Lawyer: Before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Then isn't it possible he was still alive and your autopsy killed him?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: If you didn't check for a pulse or breathing, then how can you be sure he was dead?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting in a jar on the table.
Lawyer: Yes but isn't it possible Doctor that was still alive?
Doctor: Well I suppose it is possible he was alive practicing law somewhere.

 

Quit complaining about your job!

 

the old lady

My wife just traded her menstrual cycle in on a harley.:crazy:

 

For those of us who have advanced in society.

 

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??
The man who comes home drunk, covered in lipstick and
smelling of perfume, Then slaps his wife on the backside
and says: 'You're next, fatty.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she
selected: 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of
orange juice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g
jar of coffee, a 250g pack of bacon
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out,
a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in
front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated, 'You must be single.'
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly
unusual about her selection that could have tipped off the Drunk to
her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, 'Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?'
The drunk replied, 'Cos you're ugly.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really upset. She told him 'Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 10seconds
AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE.'
The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife
woke up, she looked out of the window and sure enough there was
a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and
picked up the box.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.*

 

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