Humor Thread

I should always use spell check. My fingers do funny things on the keyboard. You remind me of Mrs. Gillespie. She was my grade three teacher. Bitch had a wicked pointer stroke.

 

I was at the ATM the other day when this elderly lady hobbled up to me and asked me if I could help her check her balance. I said sure... So I pushed her.

 

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Italian Captain Francesco started his new job as bus driver yesterday...

 

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO DUCK HUNTERS FROM PRINCE ALBERT, SASKATOON?
TRUE STORY HEARD ON A SASKATOON RADIO STATION REPORTING ON THE INCIDENT.

A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen. These two guys go out on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on.

Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible. Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG...???

Let's talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING!!! Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice. The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming.

One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rear end, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then''''''''''BOOOOOOOOOOOOM''''''''''!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with...... 'I can't believe this just happened' looks on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments...Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix..AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE FROM NEWFOUNDLAND?

 

"Ya know, when I was 25 and got a erection, I couldn't bend it with both hands. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried real hard. By the time I was 60, I could bend it 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 72 next month, and I can bend it in half with just one hand."

"So, what's your point?"

"Well, I'm just wondering, how much stronger am I gonna get?"

 

Bagpiper at a Funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to pl ay at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing

 

Bet your female friend she can't use both her elbows to touch her belly button. Watch, enjoy and thank me later.

 

Then challenge her to touch her shoulder blades together...........same as above..........

 

After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now ... we have a $500,000.00 home, a $55,000.00 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once
again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.

 

As we sat in our bedroom, I told my wife "I remember 30 years ago while we were in your apartment, I was gonna screw your brains out".

"And what are you thinking now", she asked coyly.

That it worked.

 

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, ya fekin idiot!"

 

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.
First they see two people going into the house. Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
The Physicist: "The measurement wasn't accurate".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Mathematician: "If exactly 1 person enters the house it will be empty again."

 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said "Well yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass?" The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass." The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

The differences between Man and Women


WOMEN - Two female friends are catching up:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4
minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?
- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing stary sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...

MEN -
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...:
- So, how was your evening last night?
- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep. You?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I
switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness.
Couldn't find the bloody fuse box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an ear-full... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these fucking candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so pissed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing

 

So little Johnny's 3rd grade teacher is all excited about her grass roots efforts to help get brother Obama reelected. She was so excited in fact, that she came into class one day and asked, now class, which ones of you all are Obama supporters? Like most things of a political nature, about half the kids raised their hands, and half did not.

She noticed little Johnny was among those half that did not. Since he did such a good job over causing old teach much grief, she became angered by this gesture of disrespect toward her hero. Johnny, she said, are you not an Obama fan? Well teach he said, my daddy's a republican, my momma's a republican, so I'm guessing that would make me a republican tool. So I guess I would have to say no, I'm not an Obama fan. By now, the teacher was absolutely incensed by what she'd just heard. She asked him, so Johnny, suppose your daddy was a complete idiot, and your mom was a blithering moron, what would that make you?

Johnny pondered the question for a moment and answered, well teach, I suppose that would make me an Obama supporter.

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxicaton: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you
realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright
ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign
of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting
laid

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
(This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a
serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming
only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've
accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the
fruit you're eating.

 

A hooded robber burst into a Vancouver bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Vancouver customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face.

The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer named Bill from Alberta tentatively raised his hand and said,

"My wife got a pretty good look at you..."

 

The Candy with the little hole.

The teacher brought in a roll of LIFESAVERS candy. She opened the roll and spread them on her desk
The kids started to identify there favorite colors by taste

Red.............Cherry
Yellow..........Lemon
Green..........Lime
Orange........Orange

So the teacher gave them each a Lifesavers, only ones made with HONEY.
None of the kids could identify the taste. So the teachers gave them a hint.

It's what your mother calls your father.

Little Suzie setting in the back looks up in HORROR, jumps up, spites out the lifesaver and says:

OMG they're ASSHOLES!!!!!

 

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.