Humor Thread

Redirect Notice

 

Two Newfies were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the first Newfie says to the second, 'If I was to sneak over to your house and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?'

The second Newfie crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, 'Well, I don't know about related, but it sure would make us even.'

 

Men Are Just Happier People

NICKNAMES

·If Sheila, Candy and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Sheila, Candy and Sarah.

·If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman .

EATING OUT

·When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back..

·When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

·A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

·A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS

·A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

·The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

·A woman has the last word in any argument.

·Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

·A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

·A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE

·A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

·A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

·A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

·A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

·Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed..

·Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

·Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

·A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.
The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

 

Funny:



Funnier:



Almost Pissed Myself:

 

Honda Vtec humor.....

 

AN ESCAPED CONVICT

A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers to the wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain ----- do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates and disgusts you. The guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

His wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he was gay, he thinks you are cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too.”

 

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his seventies and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that lion out of there."*

 

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of their different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel.

Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist; they put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors". The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids". This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go. Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.. Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good. Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again! So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance, "Nuts and Butts" - no way, "Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good, "Loons and Moons" - forget it. Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with........

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it....

 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had
"covertly" funded a project with the U.S. automakers for the past 5 years,
whereby the automakers were installing black-box voice recorders in 4-wheel
drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents,
the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 38 of the 50 states the recorded last words
of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Sh** !"

Only the states of North Carolina, South Carolina, Virginia, Oklahoma,
Tennessee, Kentucky, Arkansas, Alabama, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana and
Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my
beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

 

The Alberta Ministry of Labour, Division of Labour Standards claimed a small rancher was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

RANCHER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.
Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of rye every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

RANCHER: “That would be me.”

 

When I was in India recently, I saw a sign that said, 'English speaking taxi driver'.

I thought to myself, “What a good idea, why don't we have them in Canada !!”

 

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long
flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is
tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to
catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I
ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5;
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention; and, to keep him quiet, she
agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the
distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches
in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop,
searches all references. He uses the airphone; he searches the net and even
the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows;
all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes
up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to
sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and
asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with
four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back
to sleep.

 

A New Rule:
The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole and I didn't really care in the first place.

 

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual


Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,


Wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.



As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly,


“You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!"



My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or


This is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment,


I embraced her and then Gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.



Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,


Her T-shirt still around her neck.



Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"



She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

 

[video=youtube;AwQw_lwcRu0]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=AwQw_lwcRu0#![/video]

As I have said elsewhere, if it had H-D printed on it, it'd be a billion dollar idea...

 

Well Fuck.. A prtable out house so you can squat to pee or shit in privavy anywhere. What's next?

 

Sell them to the Occupy "protesters".

 

It is the right colours to represent the BC Lions Football Team.