Humor Thread

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he
smiles.

'OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do
you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'


To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

 

'Hello, is dis da Gander RCMP Office?'

'Yes. What can I do for you?'

'I'm call'n ta repart 'bout my naghbor Virgil Smith.... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood dar eh!

Fooked if I know "bout how he gits it inside dem dar logs, but he's hidin' it dar you know eh.'

'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'




The next day, the Mounties descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They just sneered at Virgil and decided to leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd.... Did the Mounties come?'

'Yeah lard tunderin! '

'Did day chop your firewood Bood?'

'Yep thay did biay!'

'Happy Birdday, eh Bud!'

 

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK


1. Open a new file in your computer.

2. Name it 'Hillary Rodham Clinton'

3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.

4. Empty the Recycle Bin.

5. Your PC will ask you. 'Do you really want to get rid of Hillary Rodham Clinton?'

6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'

7. Feel better.

P.S. - Tomorrow we'll do Nancy Pelosi


Two old ladies are sitting on the porch at the old folk's
home. One turned to the other and asked "Martha, you were
married a long time, did you and your husband have mutual
orgasm?"

The other little old lady sat and rocked for a minute and
said, "No, no, I think we had State Farm."

 

A man was in a long line at Walmart. As he got to the
register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms, so he
asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up
to the register.

She asked, "What size condoms?"

The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to
unzip his pants. He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called
over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."

A few customers back was this teenage boy. He thought what
he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of
sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was
his chance.

When he got to the register he told the checker he needed
some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know. She
asked him to unzip his pants and he did. She reached over
the counter, gave him a quick squeeze, then picked up the
intercom and said... "Cleanup, Register 5."

 

MEN Vs Women

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving, cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel ..
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the rubbish, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

 

A man's wife leaves him and he decides to buy the motorcycle he's always wanted. He takes the thing out one weekend and decides to really open in up. As he's flying down the highway at about 90 he passes a cop going the other way who hits his lights and gives chase. The man accelerates the bike to 150mph and then thinks "WTF am I doing?", and pulls over. The cop catches up and walks up to the guy and asks why he tried to take off like that. The man tells the officer "Well my wife just left me for a police officer, and I was afraid you were trying to give her back..." The officer looks at him and replies "Have a nice weekend"

 

tried to post that one a while back but had no luck,,,LOL

 

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.

 

Ha ha that's hilarious vfrshorty!

 

The Military, Then & Now...


1945- Rifles were made of wood and steel, shot a .30 caliber bullet and killed the enemy.
Now- Rifles are made of plastic and aluminum, shoot a .22 caliber bullet, and wound the enemy.

1945- The winning side used a US made .45 Caliber pistol, the losers used a European 9mm.
Now- We use a European 9mm pistol. Nobody uses the .45.

1945- If you smoked, you had an ashtray on your desk.
Now- If you smoke, you are sent outside and are treated like a leper.

1945- If you said "damn", people knew you were annoyed and avoided you.
Now- If you say "damn" you better be talking about a hydroelectric plant.

1945- NCO's had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports.
Now- Everyone has an internet computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done.

1945- We painted pictures of pretty girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
Now- We put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945- Your girlfriend was at home, praying you would return alive.
Now- She is in the same foxhole, praying your condom worked.

1945- If you got drunk off duty, your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off.
Now- If you get drunk any time they slap you in rehab and ruin your whole career.

1945- You were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him.
Now- You spray 500 bullets into the brush, don't hit anything, and retreat because you are out of ammo.

1945- Canteens were made out of steel. You could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them.
Now- Canteens are made of plastic. You can’t heat anything in them and they always taste like plastic.

1945- Officers were professional soldiers first. They commanded respect.
Now- Officers are politicians first. They beg not to be given a wedgie.

1945- They collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it.
Now- They collect our pee and analyze it.

1945- If you don't act right, the commander might put you in the stockade till you straighten up.
Now- If you don't act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever.

1945- Medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
Now- Medals are awarded to people who show up for work most of the time.

1945- You slept in a barracks, like a soldier.
Now- You sleep in a dormitory, like a college kid.

1945- You ate in a Mess Hall. It was free and you could have all the food you wanted.
Now- You eat in a dining facility. Every slice of bread or pat of butter costs, and you can only have one.

1945- We defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan.
Now- We can't even beat Iraq or Yugoslavia.

1945- If you wanted to relax, you went to the Rec Center, played pool, smoked and drank beer.
Now- You go to the Community Center and can still play pool.

945- If you wanted a beer and conversation you could go to the NCO or Officers Club.
Now- The beer will cost you $1.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink.

1945- You could buy quartermaster gas tax free because it was on a military reservation.
Now- AAFES charges you the tax but pockets the money themselves because it is on a military reservation.

1945- The BX/PX had bargains for GI's who didn't make much money.
Now- You can get better merchandise cheaper at Wal Mart.

1945- We could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets.
Now- We are wearing the Nazi helmets.

1945- An old Chief would sit in his office with a cigar in his mouth.
Now- He would be in less trouble if it were a penis.

1945- We called the enemy things like "Krauts" and "Japs" because we didn't like them.
Now- We call the enemy things like "opposing forces" and "aggressors" so we don't offend them.

1945- Victory was declared when the enemy was dead and all his things were broken.
Now- Victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry.

1945- If you killed an enemy soldier, you could bring home his rifle as a trophy.
Now- If you bring home anything at all as a trophy you get a court martial.

1945- A commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
Now- A commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945- After the war, you could buy your own rifle off the government, cheap.
Now- You cant be trusted with your own rifle, and you'll be jailed if you ever get one.

1945- Wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
Now- Wars are planned and run by politicians with lots of sexual assault investigations.

1945- We knew we were fighting for freedom. The country was committed to winning.
Now- We don't know what we are fighting for. The government is committed to Socialism.


KC-10 FE out...
lane: :usa2:

 

This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's absolutely true.



This fellow was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road.? The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.? Suddenly, a car came toward him and stopped.

Without thinking, he got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!

The car started to move very slowly.? He looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.? Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.? Just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.



The fellow, now paralyzed in terror, watched as the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.? Finally, although terrified, he managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.

Without looking back, he ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town.? Soaking wet; exhausted and in a state of utter shock the pale, visibly shaken man, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.? Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.



Everyone listened in silence and became frightened, hairs standing on end when they realized the fellow was telling the truth.



About half an hour later two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other, 'Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there's the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!'

 

Drive now, talk later.

Dunno if this has been posted before, but it keeps making me laugh...

 

Randy, do I have to bring up the Jack Russell attack again?

 

Damned you. I was just getting over my pains until you mentioned this again. Stabard.

 

Did you hear about the 83 year old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going?

Makes perfectly good sense to me....

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

"What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had
something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with
it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your
hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty It was; but
useless in a fight.'