Humor Thread

A Male Fairy Tale:

Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, “Will you marry me?”

The Princess said, “NO!”

And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny, big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to the football and nudie bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and
banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

 

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

 

Went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening. "

 

After today - no more! I just read an article on the dangers of drinking... Scared the shit out of me.

So that's it!

After today, no more reading.

 

And that's when the fight started...

 

For members with children...............

[video=youtube;vjgV0aACAMc]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjgV0aACAMc&feature=player_embedded#at=52[/video]

 

" The Shredder "

A young engineer was leaving the office at 5:45 p.m. when he found the
CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important
document, and my secretary is not here. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young engineer. He turned on the machine, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside
the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson: Never, Never, ever assume that your boss knows what he's doing.

 

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Fried Chicken


Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

 

This is quite a break through. About time they came up with some relief. A single glass at night could mean a peaceful, uninterrupted night sleep. I kid you not...

New Wine for Seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir, and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as PINO MORE









I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE

I just could not help it.



Sorry !

 

So, I have found out that jokes about female body functions are not funny. Period.

 

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just fuck off and leave me alone.

 

A tough looking group of VFR riders were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off the Golden Gate bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly retired Navy Master Chief, got off his bike and said, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she said.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity, so he asked, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she did and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she finished, the biker said, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

 

​

A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us." ​

 

I saw a guy on the corner holding a sign that said "Will Work for Food"

So I gave him a coconut.

 

Actually the real joke is (since all country guys have a deer, elk or moose head mounted over their mantle):


A guy walks into a bar in San Franciscos and orders a can of Bud.
All the boys sitting around the bar look up, Not sure who they might see.

The bartender says (with a lisp), "You sir are not from around here,?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Missouri ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Missouri ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the ridgerunner "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi, I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

 

Last night I ordered a Bin Laden whiskey....

Two shots and a splash of water!

 

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

 

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

 

(So many jokes here can't remember what's been posted or not. Anyway....)



HIS & HER DIARY


Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.















His Diary:

Bike wouldn't start, can't figure out why.