Humor Thread

I bought a bird feeder. I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed. Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue. Then came the poop. It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table .. Everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had Fed them out of my own pocket. And other birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore. So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone. I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built all over the patio. Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene....and no one demanding their rights to a free meal..

Now let's see. Our government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands. Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments are housing 5 families; you have to wait 10 hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor. Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

I have to 'press one ' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than ‘The Maple Leaf’ are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

 

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:


1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon


THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. No thanks, I'm married.

2. Nope, no more booze for me!

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. I'm not interested in fighting you.

6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and
I'd hate to look like a fool!

7. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

8. I must go now, it is late and my wife may be worried.

 

At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."

 

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip shit.

 

Imagine him explaining himself to his parents.

" Man 'high on bath salts' arrested in bra, panties, accused of stabbing goat

A US man found wearing women's underwear and standing over a goat's carcass told West Virginia police he was high on bath salts.
Mark L Thompson of Alum Creek was arrested at his home on Monday. A criminal complaint in Kanawha County Magistrate Court charges the 19-year-old with cruelty to animals.

Sheriff's Deputy JS Shackelford says witnesses reported Mr Thompson standing near a neighbour's pygmy goat in a bedroom. He was wearing a bra and female underwear. The goat had at least one stab wound.

Corporal Sean Snuffer says Mr Thompson indicated he had been high and "wasn't in his right mind".

Mr Thompson was held on $50,000 bond yesterday at the South Central Regional Jail. Jail records didn't indicate whether he had a lawyer and no listed phone number was available. "

Man 'high on bath salts' arrested in bra, panties, accused of stabbing goat | News.com.au

 

This could be a repeat. At my age, I tend to repeat often:


George Phillips, an elderly man, from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available"


George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

 

A Polite Gentle Canadian:




DON CHERRY, Canadian Hockey Commentator for CBC Television, was asked on a local live radio talk show, what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.


HIS STATEMENT:

"If hooking up one raghead terrorist prisoner's testicles to a car battery to get the truth out of the lying little camel shagger will save just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say:

'Red is positive, black is negative, and make sure his nuts are wet."

 

The bus stops and 2 tourists from Italy get on, as soon as they sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting nearby ignores them at first but soon starts listening closely when she hears one of them saying the following:

Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this anymore,
"You foul mouthed sex obsessed pig! In this country we don't speak loud about sex in public "

'Hey, coola down lady,' said the man, 'Whooza talkin' about sex?
I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell Mississippi '..

 

Proof that Men Have Better Friends...

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

 

I'm still there too

 

A Mountie pulled a car over on the Trans Canada about 2 miles West of Winnipeg. When the Mountie asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Brandon to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Mountie told the driver he was just fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a speeding ticket.

The driver told the Mountie that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.


The Mountie told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Mountie got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunk, good old boy, driving through from Alberta got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, pulled opened the rear door and then got in.

The Mountie observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk then replied to the Mountie ...

You might as well take me to jail ... "Cause there's no fuckin` way I can pass that that test "

 

"I LOVE YOU" IN 10 LANGUAGES


English
I Love You

Spanish
Te Amo

French
Je T'aime

German
Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese
Ai Shite Imasu

Italian
Ti Amo

Chinese
Wo Ai Ni

Swedish
Jag Alskar Dig

Lithuanian
As Tave Meliu

Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Texas, Louisiana, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Florida, Mississippi , Kentucky, North Carolina, West Virginia, Virginia, Saskatchewan, Alberta

Nice Tits, get in the truck.

 

And while the kids were out in Rural Alberta on a farm tour:

 

A blond was asked to go to the store and get a carton of milk. And if they had eggs, to get 6. A short while later she returned home with six cartons of milk. When asked why the hell she came home with six cartons of milk she replied, "They had eggs!"

 

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in The Villages, in Florida . They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'

 

Capitalization

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people, who send text messages and emails, have long forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

For those of you who fall into this world, please note the statement below - I cannot stress enough how very important capitalization is to it.

"Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off his horse and helping your uncle jack off his horse."

Is everybody clear on this now?

 

I had a Bin Laden Martini last night - 2 shots and a splash.

 

Bin Laden Headstone

 

I am surprised that the EPA did not raise supreme shit over that!

 

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And....

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

There must be a ton of people in Ottawa and Washington playing marbles!