Humor Thread

" FATHER OF THE YEAR "

A man boarded a plane with six kids. (gutsy guy!)

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.

I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY

 

Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, were growing in the woods. A small tree began to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker landed on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker tasted the small tree and he replied: 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.'

 

Choosing a Wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup, buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

 

Subject: Acetaminophen



All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

 

wow. I was gonna say one but there's no way i can follow that. I have tears in my eyes from laughing.

 

A tough looking biker was riding his Harley
>when he sees a girl about to Jump off a bridge
>so he stops.
>
>"What are you doing?" he asks.
>
>"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.
>
>While he did not want to appear insensitive, he
>didn't want to miss an opportunity and he asked,
>"Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
>
>So, she does.
>
>After she's finished the biker says, "Wow! That was
>the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent
>you are wasting! You could be famous! Why are you
>committing suicide?"
>
>"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl....."

 

I told these to a friend of mine that is a Lawyer... he about spit his martini all over hisself

 

A BBC TV journalist is interviewing a elderly former Polish fighter pilot:

Interviewer: So Mr Stanczewski, I understand that in 1943 you shot down five German aircraft in a single engagement. Could you tell us what happened?

Stanczewski: Well we were flying at 20,000 feet when we spotted five Fokkers flying along below us. So we dived down and I aimed at one of the Fokkers and fired a burst from my machine guns right into him and he exploded. Then I saw that one of the Fokkers was on my tail, so I pulled round in a loop and got behind him, and fired and he went down on fire. I looked around and saw two Fokkers attacking my squadron leader, so slipped in behind them, and fired, and that was another Fokker going down in flames. The other Fokker tried to get away from me, but I got right up behind him, and blasted him with my machine guns and he turned over and exploded. There was only one of the Fokkers left now, and he was trying to get away, but I flew up behind him, shot - bang, bang, bang - and he blew up too!

Interviewer: I should point out for the benefit of the viewers at home, that the Fokker was a type of German aircraft used in the war.

Stanczewski: No, no, no - these fokkers were Messerschmitts!

 

As a parent, I often wonder if I taught my sons and daughters everything they needed to know to lead a safe and sane life.
You know what I mean . . .don't run with a knife, don't stick beans in your nose, don't lick a frosted piece of metal, etc. But, you know, I think I might have missed this particular piece of advice.

However, let's face it, if any of my sons or daughters ever tried this totally idiotic stunt, I'd figure they are way too stupid to survive in this world anyway!

Never. . .Ever. .. . Ever. .. . Put a FIRECRACKER in your backside and light it!

I REPEAT. . .

Never... Ever... Ever, put a FIRECRACKER in your backside & light it ! ! !

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" .
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table.... Whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first.

 

If you can raed this, you have a sgtrane mnid too

Yhis cojld be a re-post here but WTF

Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can.

I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

 

SHAKE WEIGHT... South Park Style.
[video=youtube;UYmnP7VOyo4]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYmnP7VOyo4[/video]
[video=youtube;B0tVw8_CFMA]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0tVw8_CFMA[/video]

 

The Canadian Government has taken a lead role in combating the deterioration of the earths environment. At the rate humans abuse it, the earth may no longer support human life the way we know it today. One of the most concerning aspect of this abuse is our dependence on fossil fuels. Alternative means of doing business must be found that has a lesser impact on the environment.

While this is all good, Canada also has a huge frozen north area that is a shipping lane and to maintain sovereignty over this, a presence must be maintained in the north. Typically this entailed the use of Canadian Ice Breakers which are some of the worlds largest. But these massive and powerful ships consume huge amounts of fuel and results in the spewing of horrendous amounts of toxins into our atmosphere. A better way needed to be found.

Canada is always looking for new and better ways of doing business. Sometime new ways are not the answer, but to revert back to a older more environmentally friendly way of day to day business. Canada will also face a crisis in the future with how it deals with its aging population.

As a result of these two issues, the Canadian Government has decided to address both issues at the same time and has introduced its latest generations on Ice Breakers:

 

(No offense to the ladies - these are only jokes)


Why did God give men penises?
So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up.

What's the difference between a paycheck and your percker?
You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheck.

How is a woman like a laxative?
They both irritate the shit out of you.

What are the small bumps around a woman's' nipples for?
Its Braille for "suck here".

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

What's the difference between a woman with PMS and a pitbull?
Lipstick.

Why do women have boobs?
So men will talk to them.

What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
You come in one and go in the other.

Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.

What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
Money.

Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.

What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After 5 years your job will still suck.

What's the best thing about a BJ?
Ten minutes of silence.

Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

 

It's a beautiful spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's got on a close-fitting, low-cut, pink summer dress with spaghetti straps.

As they walk thru the ape exhibit, and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, he grunts, he pounds his chest.
He is obviously excited at the sight of the young lady in the sundress.

The husband, noticing the ape’s excitement, suggests that his wife tease the ape. The husband suggests that she pucker her lips and wiggle her bottom.
She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then her husband suggests that she let one of the straps of her dress slips down. She does and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear down the bars.

Her husband suggests she lift her dress up her thighs and she does. This just about drives Mr. Gorilla crazy.

Then quickly the husband grabs his wife, rips open the door to the age, flings her inside with the gorilla, slams the door shut and gleefully rubbing his hands together says:

"Now, tell him you have a headache."

 

A Texas couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon, and are watching the auctioning off of reproduction bulls.

The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off: A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs, and comments: See! That was more than 5 times a month!

The second bull is to be sold: Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year. Again the wife bugs her husband: Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do YOU say to that?!

Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

The third bull is up for sale: And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 360 times last year!

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells: That's once a day, every day of the year! How about YOU?!

The husband was pretty irritated by now, and yells back: Sure, once a day! But ask the announcer if they were all with the same cow!

 

A Letter to the Men's Helpline:




Hi , I really need your advice on a serious problem:

I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep.

Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.

It was at that moment crouched behind the boat that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.

Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace the bracket?

 

To add to Pliskin list. No I don't advocate beating women!! Just a joke I heard.


What do you tell a womwn with two black eyes?

Nothing! You already told her twice!.....................:behindsofa:

 

Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She saluted her plane and drank the whiskey on the way down while watching her plane crash in the distance, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't fuck with Mommy when she's been drinking."

 

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and he hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...