Humor Thread

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?' She asked.

'Hunting Flies' He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?' She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. 'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded, '3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.

****************************

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So He called one of His angels and sent the angel to earth for a time.

When he returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time. When the angel returned he went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.'

God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because he wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?











Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.

********************************

PARKING TICKET

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to
him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.

So my wife called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote...

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.

*******************************

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."

She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too; especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

 

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the heck are you doing, Mick?!" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick, "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something
sexy to a tractor".

 

I thought I was a real biker...



A biker went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he was sat drinking his whiskey, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to him and asked - "are you a real biker?"

The biker replied - "well, I've spent my whole life on bikes. When my mother was pregnant with me, she rode on the back of my daddy's bike, then as a little boy I always rode on the back with my daddy untill I was old enough to get my own bike. I've been riding ever since, so yes, I guess I am a real biker."

She said - "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole life thinking about women. when I get up in the morning, the first thing I think about is women. When I shower, watch TV, eat, whatever, everything seems to make me think of women", then she got up and left.

The biker was sat there thinking about what had just happened, when the barman wandered over to him and asked - "are you a real biker?"

He replied - "well it's odd, I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Bob says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor..'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies..

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart . Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Bob deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Bob hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4.. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

 

A lady walks into tiffany's .. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it...

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts...

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a salesperson was not anywhere near...

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her...

Good looking as well .. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like
tiffany's...

He politely greets the lady with, 'good day, madam .. How may we help you today???

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'sir, what is the
price of this lovely bracelet ??'

he answers, "madam .. If you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when i tell you the price .."

 

This is a re-post but I thought that this might be timely for those out east right about now:

 

I got a sweater for my xmas last year.




I'm hoping to get a screamer or a moaner this year

 

One day in the future, Barack Obama has a heart-attack and dies.

He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.

In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," Obama said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the door of the next room.

In it was Al Gore with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented Obama.

The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah man, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said .. . . . .







"OK, Monica, you're free to go."

 

Alzheimer's Test
How fast can you guess these words?
1. F_ _K
2. PU_S_
3. S_X
4. P_N_S
5. BOO_S
6. _ _NDOM














Answers:

1. FORK
2. PULSE
3. SIX
4. PANTS
5. BOOKS
6. RANDOM
You got all 6 wrong... didn't you?


Well, you don't have Alzheimer's, but you are a pervert!

 

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says,

"So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'

 

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashamed. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

 

Yep had

1. FUNK
2. PUTSY
3. SAX
4. PANES
5. BOOTS
6. PANDOM

 

A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
Straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, Well, did anyone else see my face?

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.

Then, one old cowboy from Nevada tentatively raised his hand and said, "my wife got a pretty good look at you.

 

Winter Classes for Women at
THE MACOMB COMMUNITY COLLEGE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By Sun, January 22, 2011

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.
And my favorite
Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield .
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

 

what do women and traffic lights have in common?

 

They can change without warning. They are never well timed. And if you come across one in the wrong mood, you're fukt.

 

Vasoline works everytime




Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't
have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for
sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one,
although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint
condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller
how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the
seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub
Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites
him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra
stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family
before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact,
the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the
dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of
the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of
dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he
looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no
one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take
advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up,
grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and
screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad
is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but
no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner
table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way right
there on the dinner table. After she has a big orgasm, he sits down
again.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is
boiling, the Mom is pleasantly beaming.
But still, Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of
thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar
of Vaseline from his pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....

'I'll do the fucking dishes!!!

 

lmao that works... or the one i heard:

what do women and traffic lights have in common?

"no one respects them after midnight"

 

Was this supposed to be a quiz? I thought it was a question pertaining marital bliss and to understanding your wife!

Sorry about that. Next time I won't be so serious.

Actually I have heard that one before but I couldn't remember the answer so I just went with life experiences instead.

 

lol thanks for giving me something to look foward to in life