Humor Thread

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

 

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play, he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter but the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

 

If only this was merely a joke…

The Governor Elect of California (Jerry "Moonbeam" Brown) is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out, bites the Governor, and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi", then realizes he should stop, the coyote is only doing what's natural.

2. He calls Animal Control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for disease.

4. The Governor goes to a hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for disease from the coyote and for getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail is shut down for 6 months, while Fish & Game conducts their $100,000 survey to make sure the area is free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor next spends $150,000 in state funds, implementing a "Coyote Awareness" program for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease, throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not somehow stopping the attack and for letting the Governor attempt to intervene.

9. Additional cost to State of California: $75,000 to hire and train a new security agent with additional special training re: The Nature of Coyotes.

10. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files suit against the state.


Texas

The Governor of Texas is jogging, with his dog, along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow-point cartridge.

2. Texas buzzards eat the dead coyote.

And that, my friends, is why California is broke!

 

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, Things are great and I've never felt better.

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that Doc?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.'

Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that? asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied , 'My point exactly.

 

The British and the French people have had an on again off again relationship through the centuries. Thing just recently started to sour again and the French , recalling history, believe war was about to develop between these two countries. So with all due diligence, the French army decided to step up their training. The problem though is with the world wide economy the was it is, they had no money to purchase weaponry to practice with

The French Minister of Defence insisted the training go ahead regardless.

"You soldiers with bayonets. You will march forward and practice by showing your hands forward and repeat 'Stab, Stab, Stab', You soldiers with guns, you march forward and repeat 'rat tat tat.. And you soldiers with grenades will mark forward and go 'Bang, bang, bang'"

So the training went. Finally one day the Brits began their invasion. But there was still no weaponry. SO the loyal French soldiers went forth and did what they were trained to do.

Out in the fields, these brave French soldiers could be seen and heard, Stab, Stab, Stab, Rat tat tat, Boom boom boom. Stab stab stab, Rat tat tat, boom boom boom. Bu the English kept coming. STAB STAB STAB, RAT TAT TAT, BOOM BOOB BOOM. The Brits continued their advance.

The finally faintly in the distance the French we now able to hear these advancing, Brits. He they came, in lines and columns, far as one's eyes could see. They were all stomping their feet as they advances and were hollering "TANK TANK TANK"

 

SWEET TEA

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and Blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes
Home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes
Home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and
is a
sleep."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea!
Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I
swished And swished, and he didn't touch me!"



Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

 

YouTube - The Twelve Days of Christmas - Frank Kelly - With Lyrics

Merry Christmas All

 

YouTube - Jeff Dunham Achmed's "Jingle Bombs"

 

There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington , D.C. this year!

The Supreme Court has ruled that a Nativity Scene cannot be displayed in the United States' Capital during the Christmas season.

The decision was not motivated by religious concerns – it’s simply due to an inability to locate Three Wise Men anywhere in the Nation’s Capital.

The search for a Virgin also continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

 

Here's a Christmass Joke

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Kentucky farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The old Kentucky farmer replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

Seems a guy makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman. Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

"Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

"Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a shotgun. That's about it, not counting my guns at home."

"Mr.... Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

"Nope."

"Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

"Not a damned thing..."

 

Friendly Holiday Advice

Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted by the Ministry of Health and the Ministry of Transportation indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol related.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times as many accidents.

 

Dear Santa letters

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy
all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China . I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa
****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE,
PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa

 

Rudolph the Red Nosed Raindeer during a recent visit to hte outbacks of Montana.

 

It happens to everyone...

It happens to all of us...


So I was driving into work this morning, and this dick in a truck
pulls out in front of me...

 

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong. And very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma."

 

Raced a Harley today

Apologies if you've all heard this one before, but:



I raced a Harley today and after some really hard riding I managed to pass the guy. I was riding on one of those really, really twisting sections of a canyon road with no straight sections to speak of and where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".

I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.

I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and cornering. Three corners later, I was on his fender. Catching him was one thing; passing him would prove to be another.

Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.

My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant I was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as he struggled to keep up.

Three more miles to go before the road straightens out and he would pass me for good.

But now I was in the lead and he would no longer hold me back. I stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the canyon, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see him in my rear-view mirror.

Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep pockets, I had passed him. though it was not easy, I had won the race to the bottom of the canyon and I had preserved the proud tradition of one of the best bits of britiron.

I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Raleigh cycles, as well. They really make a great bicycle...

 

I think it's in here somewhere, but it is a good one!!

 

Biker Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"