Humor Thread

I lol'd at that Metallican. That's some funny shit right there.

 

MUST SEE!!! watch the whole thing =P

YouTube - The Muppets Queen.mp4

 

One for the English Soccer fans


David Blaine is reportedly furious after England crashed out of the World Cup – his record of doing absolutely nothing in a box for 42 days was broken by Wayne Rooney.

The England team visited an orphanage in Cape Town today. “It’s heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope,” said Jamal, aged six.

I hear Oxo are making a new product. The packaging is white with a red cross and they're calling it the laughing stock.

What’s the difference between the England team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

What do you call an Englishman in the knockout stages of the World Cup? A referee.

Apparently that fan had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door.

I can’t believe we only managed a draw against a rubbish team we should easily have beaten. . . . I’m ashamed to call myself Algerian.

What does the Englishman do when England wins the World Cup? He switches off the Play Station.

What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.

( Sorry to the Poms in advance )

 

Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question.


WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"

HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would? (With a hurt look)

HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"

HUSBAND: "Sure. It's a great house."

WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"

HUSBAND: "Probably. It is almost new."

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"

HUSBAND: "No. I'm sure she'd want her own."

WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?"

HUSBAND: "Yes. Those are always good times."

WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?"

HUSBAND: "No. She's left-handed."

WIFE: - silence -

HUSBAND: ". . . Shit."

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: “I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30,” she said proudly. “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. Little Jenny was next: “I sold magazines,” she said. “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”

“Very good, Jenny,” said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath as Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467!” he said.

“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”

“Toothbrushes,” said Little Johnny.

“Toothbrushes!” echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”

“I found the busiest corner in town,” said Little Johnny, “Then I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”

They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog shit!”

Then I would say, “It is dog shit! Wanna buy a toothbrush?” “I used the Obama style governmental approach of giving you something crappy for free, and then making you pay to get the crappy taste out of your mouth.”

 

[video=youtube;fZa7hU6tP_s]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZa7hU6tP_s&feature=player_embedded#![/video]



Silly Russians.........

 

That vid was right on the money. But one of those Russian guys is a very concerning picture. I am sure he would need some sort of pic before he could shit freely.

 

I don't have a photo and this isn't a joke but it is funny.

Some scooter hooter with a sckull cap, black jeans and black tshirt looking oh so cool at a traffic light making a left trn. Smoke hanging out his mouth with the dark shades. High ride bars and all. Of course the baike is black with all sorts of chrome shit all over it. He was making such a cool relaxed slow left turn and leaning that hog as far as he could. And doing is soo slow and cool like that. Man he looked like the man.

That is until the sparks started flying off the bottom of his bike and he went down low side. Then the bike took a little bump over onto the other side and my cool scooter hooter flipped over the high side. And there he was sitting looking so cool on his ass in the middle of the intersection, upright with his legs out in front, smoke still in his mouth. He wasn't hurt that I could see cause the blood was pumping. At least inside his face cause he turned the brightest shade of red as he jumped up, picked up his pride and joy and got the fuck out of there.

He impressed the shit out of me, my wife and my son. Wished I copuld have gotten his autograph of sumfin.

 

A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.

A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'

The golfer replies: 'My Good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English!?'

The groundskeeper replies: 'I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!

 

Courtesy of another VFRWorlder:


My First Condom

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because every one in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady ( I think her name was Delores ) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ' No, not really. '

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.




I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was empty. ' Just a minute, ' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..



Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. Do these excite you? ' She asked.



Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on' , she said, 'We don't have much time.. '


So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on, Bobbie?' she asked. I said,'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.



She then beat the shit out of me.......Women have always been hard for me to figure out???

 

A list of cat motivational posters. :smile:

 

haha, I like this one!

 

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this shit but me."

 

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex-life.
She puts them on, together with a short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times till her husband says...

"Are you wearing crotchless panties?"

"Why Yes," she answers with a seductive smile.

"Thank God for that....... I thought you were sitting on the cat."

And that folks, is when the fight started

 

THE DENTIST

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.

The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.

"No way"! No needles! "I hate needles", the man said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me"!

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement, "WOW"!
"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer"!

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth".

 

The Hotel Bill

Next time you think your hotel bill is too high, you might want to consider this: ​

My wife and I are traveling by car from Victoria to Prince George. Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, we were too tired to continue, and decided to take a room. But, we only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When we checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed us a bill for $350.00.​

I explode and demanded to know why the charge is so high I told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells me that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. I insisted on speaking to the Manager.​

The Manager appears, listens to me, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use. ‘But we didn't use them," I said. ‘Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.​

He went on to explain that we could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.​

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," I said. "Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.​

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, I replied, “But we didn't use it!"​

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually I gave up and agreed to pay. ​

I wrote a check and gave it to the Manager. ​

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque. "But sir, this cheque is only made out for $50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife," I replied.​

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.​

I said, "Well, too bad, she was here, and you could have."​

​

Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

Heard this one on tv:

A guy decides to visit his friend, and this friend happens to own an adult novelty store.

When he arrives, his friend the store owner says, " Hey watch the store for me for a minute, I need to run to the bank"

"Sure, no problem"

A customer walks in shortly after the owner leaves, and asks " How much for the big white latex dildo?"

The fellow says " Uh...twenty five bucks"

"I'll take it"

A minute later, another customer walks in, asks " How much for the huge black dildo with all the veins"

"Uh.....fifty bucks"

"Sold"

A bit later, yet another customer comes up to the counter, asks, " How much for the plaid multi-colored dildo?'

"Uh....one hundred twenty five bucks"

"Oh well, you only live once, I'll take it"

The store owner makes it back from the bank, asks his buddy, "Everything Ok? Any customers?"

The fellow says " Yeah, I did pretty good I think, I sold that white dildo for twenty five bucks, that big black one for fifty, and I got a hundred and twenty five bucks for your thermos"

 

Slayer goes to Church

[video=youtube;AHb4gs1hwck]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHb4gs1hwck[/video]

 

A list of NINJA motivational posters