Humor Thread

I suffer from tinnitus, so I called the Tinnitus Hot Line........ there was no answer, it just kept ringing.

 

Thanks everyone for your concern. I'm OK, I was a bit shaken up though. I was robbed at the local Gas station earlier this morning. After my hands stopped trembling, I managed to call the Police. They were quick to respond and calmed me down because my blood pressure went through the roof! My money is gone however. The police asked me if I knew who did it and I told them, “Yes, it was pump number 2.”

 

Sister Mary Margaret enters O 'Flynn's liquor shop.
"I'd like to buy a bottle of Irish whiskey", she tells O 'Flynn.
The owner of the store shakes his head and frowns.
"A bottle of Irish whiskey? And you being a nun too."
"Oh no, no," Sister Mary Margaret exclaims. "It's for Father Reilly.
His constipation, you know."
O'Flynn smiles, nods, and puts a bottle into a bag.
Sister Mary Margaret pays, takes the bag and goes on her way.
Later that day, O'Flynn closes shop for the day.
On his way home he passes an alley. There in the alley is Sister Mary Margaret.
She's rip roaring drunk, the empty bottle at her side.
"Sister!" O'Flynn scolds.
"And you said it was for Father Reilly's constipation."
"It is," answers Sister Mary Margaret.
"When he sees me, he's gonna shit!"

 

An older couple was lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.." Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bedclothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"

 

How tight? Snug enough to compress the crush washers a bit. But not so tight that you strip the threads on your oil pan. So I am told! LOL

 

Just for that, you get three more. Tread lightly!

 

You know what. They were better than anything out there today still. Some of those blow dryers are weaker than my silent farts. Scrap those damned things and at least bring back paper towels. This are all re-cycled paper anyway.

OK. That is off my chest now. Carry on.

 

"Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry."