Humor Thread

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't even listening were you?"

I thought to myself for a moment and said, "That's a pretty strange way to start a conversation."

 

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her. "Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again. The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again. The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it."

 

European: I drove for 45 minutes to spend a weekend in France, then stopped in Germany to visit some friends on my way home.

Canadian: Was in Ontario and drove west for 19 hours. I am still in Ontario. I figure 4 1/2 days of hard driving and I might make my destination in Vancouver BC. I think I will fly home.

 

There was a man who had worked all of his life and has saved all of his money.
He was a real cheapskate of a Scot when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. Because I want to take all my money to the after life."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died she would put all the money in the casket with him.
When one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to their best friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait a minute!" She had a shoebox with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket and rolled it away.

Her friend said, "I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in there with that stingy old man."

She said, "Yes, I promised. I’m a good loyal Scot, I can’t lie. I promised him that I was to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did,’ said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

 

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?
He never heard the gunshot.

 

VF1000F2F, now rideable,