Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Shared that one.
     
  2. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    So I go to McDonald’s drive through and the lady behind me honked at me and flicked me off because I was taking to long to order. So I paid for her food. When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too

    I paid for it, it’s mine

    So I Honked my horn and screamed: “Get yo ass back in line Bitch
     
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  3. fink

    fink Member

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    How do you tell the difference between an Australian Police Officer, an English Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

    The answer is found below....

    Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you and screaming something that sounds like obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.

    You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do?

    ANSWERS:

    English Police Officer:

    Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

    1: Does the man look poor and/or oppressed?

    2: Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law?

    3: Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger?

    4: Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

    5: Am I dressed provocatively?

    6: Could I run away?

    7: Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand?

    8: Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings?

    9: Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to
    society?

    10: Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me?

    11: If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me?

    12: If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls
    over, knocks his head and kills himself?

    13: If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity
    to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home?

    Australian Police Officer:

    BANG!

    American Police Officer:
    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

    'Click'...Reload...

    BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

    Glasgow Police Officer:

    "Haw, Jimmie! Drop the wee knifie son; rite noo, unless ye want it stuck up yer arse!"
     
  4. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Canadian police would turn around and go to Tim Hortons for a doughnut and coffee.
     
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  5. Vfrwja

    Vfrwja New Member

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    ^^^Hahaha, Damn magazine restrictions had to reload after only 12 rounds. LOL
     
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  6. James Bond

    James Bond Member

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    American citizen legally carrying concealed (which is legally almost every citizen): BANG........BANG, BANG. (The first shot killed him. The next two shots made sure the perp. couldn't possibly testify anywhere, just in case). Citizen calls the po po to clean up the mess and fill out the paperwork, and finishes shopping until they arrive. Crime doesn't pay.
     
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  7. VFR4Lee

    VFR4Lee Member

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    Merry Christmas and never put lights on a palm tree. :drink1:

    upload_2019-12-24_18-18-16.png
     
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  8. raYzerman

    raYzerman Insider

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    OMG I almost forgot what day it is, made a mad scramble, but finally got the Christmas lights up!

    [​IMG]
     
  9. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Next year!
     
  10. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

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  11. Riding a 2000

    Riding a 2000 Insider

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  12. OOTV

    OOTV Member

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    This is a screen shot from an actual questionnaire... Screen Shot 2019-08-08 at 9.44.01 AM.png
     
  13. duccmann

    duccmann Member

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    Goin to hell in a hand basket


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
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  14. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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  15. James Bond

    James Bond Member

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    Someone hungry enough to do it. Raw oysters are delicious. I won't eat them any longer due to the military/industrial complex polluting our waters.
     
  16. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about my day:

    "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

    Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

    "No," I replied, "I'm just a real shitty golfer."
     
  17. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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  18. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Mrs. Gillespie, the grade five teacher asks the class. "Class, Give me an example of the opposite of this sentence, 'Children in the dark make mistakes'"

    Johnny, way in the back, raises his hand and waved it wildly.

    "Yes Johnny, go ahead"

    "Mistakes in the dark make children!"

    "Johnny! Go down to the principals office, NOW!
     
  19. Thumbs

    Thumbs Member

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    B94EDC6B-88AC-42EB-A40C-63F9EBB467F7.png
     
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  20. RllwJoe

    RllwJoe Member

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    I like the price....... and none of this ORGANIC nonsense!
     
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