Humor Thread

God Bless The Newfie

A Newfie calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wit all dem lawsuits Going on I'm feelin' kinda left out. How do I get in on some of d'at Action? I hears d'at people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they Got cancer and others are suing the Big Mac company 'cause they got themselves fat and all kinds of stuff"!!

His lawyer asks "And which one of those categories do You fit under?"

The dear ole Newfie God bless his soul, Answers..... "Neider b'y, I just wanna know if I can sue Molson's for all them ugly women I woke up wit...

 

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'


Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

 

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."

 

CNN photographer

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN News,' he responded, 'and I need to get some close up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . . You're NOT my flight instructor?'

 

The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer made an appointment to see the lawyer in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "‘Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a cent to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the Salvation Army?"

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, ‘"First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?’"

Embarrassed, the Salvation Army volunteer mumbled, "‘Uh... No, I didn't know that."

"Secondly,"’ says the lawyer, "‘did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"

The stricken volunteer began to stammer an apology, but was cut off again.

"Thirdly,"’ the lawyer said, "‘did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and the burden of supporting three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"

Completely beaten, the humiliated Salvation Army volunteer said, "‘I'm so sorry. I had no idea.’"

And then the rich lawyer said, ‘"So, if I don't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"

 

What's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?

One says "Hey,you, get out of my cloud." The other says "Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe."






Ya be carrrrful tharrrre laddie orrrr when I am done with ya a dooootie clot will do ya no good fer the mess I will cause

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

And that's when the fight started.

 

It used to be wine , women, and song. Now its beer, the old lady, and TV.

 

Love those Church Ladies.......


They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


--------------------------
The Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
--------------------------
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
--------------------------
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
--------------------------
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
--------------------------
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice .
--------------------------
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
--------------------------
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
--------------------------
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
--------------------------
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
--------------------------
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
--------------------------
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
--------------------------
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
--------------------------
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
--------------------------
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
--------------------------
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
- -------------------------
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
--------------------------
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
--------------------------
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: 'I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours.'

 

YouTube - Dunham Marriage

 

Here ya go Randy, dont watch this....unless you have THE LOTION....

[video=youtube;0_xG-RZfGYU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_xG-RZfGYU&NR=1[/video]

 

This guy comes home from work and when he walk in the door his girlfriend says,"I don't think we should see each other anymore."
The guy says,"why?"
She says,"I looked you up on the internet today and you know what I found out...I found out that you are a petafile."
The guy says,"Ooooo...a petafile....mighty big words for a 12 year old!"

 

Snotty Receptionist

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler.
He gave her his name.
In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IPOTENCE, RIGHT?"
All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, 'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'

 

@comicus: i noticed ur signature... quote by Ghnadi... didn't they use that in Forrest Gump too?

 

Yeah it's a forest gump quote. I'm not sure if Ghandi ever said that...I guess I'm just making stuff up!

 

that was when his "girlfriend was throwing rocks at her daddy's house...

my favorite part of th emovie was when he was running across the country. and thedecides that he was gonna just quit...and everyone with him stops and watches thinking he is gonna say something prolific...and all he says is I'm tired .I'm gonna go home now.
and the fekking lemmings are like "what are we gonna do know"

 

And I know how deep it is

 

You fell in?

 

A group of 40 year- old buddies discussed where they should meet for dinner.

Finally it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitresses there had low cut blouses and were very young.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.