Humor Thread

I was also thinking that. Or something along the lines, "and that was the last thing I remember saying."

 

When you are dead, you don't know you are dead. All the pain is felt by others.

Same thing applies when you are stupid.

 

^^^Trombone!

 

Good eye. Didn't pick up on that. I wonder. Was this one of the "seventy six trom - bones on the hit parade!"

 

Where were the other 75 trombones, and 110 clarinets?

 

That was pretty funny, somebody has a good sense of humour!!

Thanks Randy for 76 Trombones, longtime ago. Noticed “Ronnie Howard” in the credits, he started young!

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

A husband dies, A few years later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband and ran up to him with tears in her eyes.

"Darling. Oh how I have missed you!"

The husband extends his arms to stop her from embracing him and says, "Whoa there woman. The contract says until death."

 

An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep @#$% now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs.. Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
B.S. and brilliance only come with age and experience.

 

I know another version of that joke.

One day at school, year 3 students are learning about "moral to the story".
The teacher gives them some examples and then asks students to give their own stories.
One child gets up and tells about the time her chicken layed four eggs, and then sat on them.
Only three eggs hatched, so when the teacher asked her what the moral to the story was, the child explained that you can't count your chickens before they hatch.
Another child gets up and tells the story about the time he went on a bush walk, and found some rocks that had been there for a very long time, and were all coverd in moss. Then he went down the hill and found all these rocks that have been obviously rolling down the hill over time, but yet were dry and clean.
When the teacher asked what the moral to the story was, he stated that a rolling stone gathers no moss.
Then the teacher asked Johnny if he had a story.
He thought about it for a minute, then proceeded to tell astory about his grandpa.
He said: when my grandpa was in the war, he found himself in a foxhole by himself, all his platoon had been killed.
He looked over the side, and saw thirty german soldiers coming for him.
He checked his supplies and realised he only had one bullet, a bayonet and a bottle of scotch.
So he drank the whole bottle of scotch, loaded his only bullet, fitted the bayonet and jumped over the side.
He shot the first Krout he saw, then proceeded to bayonet the whole lot of them.
The teacher was a bit taken back, and hesitantly asked what the moral to the story was.
Johnny replied, "never fuck with my grandpa when his pissed".

 

Paddy's wife gave birth to triplets.
"How in God's name did that happen?" said Paddy.
" Remember that night when I was very dry and we didn't have any Vaseline, so you used 3 in 1 oil instead?"
"Beyajesus!" shouted Paddy. "I'm so fukken glad i didn't use my WD40!"

 

A little boy asks his mom, "Why am I black and you are white?"

Mom replies. 'Don't even go there. The way the party went that night, you are lucky you don't bark."

 

VTEC YO



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Might be a repeat. Pardon the punn

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly. One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."
The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

 

For A.M.