Humor Thread

They just told Tom Brady that his former teammate Aaron Hernandez committed suicide, he's very deflated.

 

As I get older I realize:

1. I talk to myself because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write this down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I though naptime was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

7. The day the world runs out of beer is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes; come out wrinkle free and three sizes smaller?

10. "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

 

Try not to laugh along with this well respected BBC Journalist as he accidentally gets high as narcotics are being destroyed in the background, kinda of reminds me of " Biggus Dickus " in Life of Brian where before the scene was shot the actors apparently been told prior not to laugh.

[video=youtube;ZFPZhrpACbY]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZFPZhrpACbY[/video]

 

Wow just saw this Randy, man that's my thinkin every day--- laughed out loud


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Very true.

 

I just walked in on my manager vigorously masturbating.

He told me to stop vigorously masturbating and get the hell out of his office.

Meanwhile I'm being sexually harassed at work.
I'm self employed

 

While I'm a huge fan of wrapping your meat in bacon before slipping it into something hot, from a family planning point of view, I think the bacon condoms would be risky, in fact I can't think of anything rasher!

 

I see what you did there, clever

 

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A man was hospitalized today with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctor described his condition as stable.

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Paddy and Mary decide to try a 69. Paddy’s never done one before so Mary says she’ll show him. She tells him to lie on the floor and squats over him. As she lowers herself onto his face she farts, apologizing she tries again but farts again. Paddy jumps up and storms out yelling “Ill be fucked if I’m hanging around for 67 more of them

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Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy “Im gonna have the day off, Im gonna pretend Im mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “Im a lightbub! Im a lightbulb! Murphy watches in amazement! The foreman shouts “Paddy youre mad, go home” so he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. “Where the hell are you going?” asks the foreman. “I cant work in the friggin dark!” says Murphy.

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A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom. “You know what” says 7 year old “I think its time we started swearing. When we go downstairs for breakfast Ill swear first then you”. “OK” says 4 year old. Mum asks 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. “Ill have coco pops, bitch”. Whack, he flew out of his chair crying his eyes out. Mum looked at 4 year old and said sternly “And what do you want?” “Dunno but it wont be fucking coco pops.”

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This was actually said...

Feinstein, wrapping up hearing, tells Comey, "Let me thank you for your ability to last for many hours."

 

Some people have lost the ability to laugh at themselves. Some never had it. That's where I come in.

 

I am beginning to have twice weekly BBQ meetings in my back yard for people who suffer OCD. I don't have it. I am just hoping they will take one look at the yard and start trimming and cutting.

 

Do you think I could hold a meeting in my walk in closet?

 

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No-eye-deer


A man fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered

What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar?
A hardened criminal

If you don't pay your exorcist you'll get repossessed


Blame my Son, he typed it-- dang kids



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