Humor Thread

Fart Football

A little old couple prepares to go to bed. They no sooner hit the pillows when the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football."

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so he strains real hard, but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally shits the bed.

The wife says, "What the hell was that?"

The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

 

mathmatical proof

First we state that girls require time and money.
Girls = time x money

As we all know, "time is money."
time = money

Therefore:
girls = money x money

And because "money is the root of all evil":
Money = Evil

It follows:
Girls = square root (evil x evil)

And we can thus conclude that:
girls = evil

 

Evil they may be, but I'd rather have a girl anyday

 

Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat.

After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed by the large gong
taking pride of place in the lounge.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.

"How does it work?"

"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with
an unpadded hammer.

Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed, "Don't you know
it's bloody half past two in the morning!"

 

While his son was completing admissions paperwork in the nursing home office, an old man sat on a bench in the hallway. He slowly began to tilt and fall to his left. A nurse at the nearby desk noticed and rushed over to catch him and get him upright.

A couple minutes later the old man began to slowly tilt and fall to his right. Again the nurse rushed over, caught him and got him safely sitting upright.

After a few more minutes the man's son came out and asked his father how he liked the place so far.

"It's fine," said the old man, "except that damn nurse won't let me fart!"

 

I have seen that one before Tink and can't remember if it showed up here or not. I think it did but regardless it is worth a second chuckle. The troubling thing is though, my name was associated to this one then too.

I am beginning to think some here are questioning my stability.

 

That's a start! :biggrin:

 

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
And went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

 

one of my faves

so this guy walks into a bar and sits down... he orders a drink, then realizes he's sitting next to an alien who's also drinkin'. the alien looks over, smiles, reaches over and pokes the guy in the face sayin' "Bzzzt!".

guy gets irritated, but ignores the lil green dude and downs his drink. a few minutes later, he looks over and the alien again reaches over, pokes his cheek and says "Bzzzt!".

guy says "do that again, and i'm gonna cut ur balls off, you little freak."

Alien reaches over, "Bzzzt!"

Guy grabs the alien by the neck, lifts him up, jerks it's pants down, but reveals a bald little crotch. no genitals. the guy puts the alien down and says "well, how the hell do you bastards mate?"

Alien smiles even bigger, reaches over and pokes his cheek with a loud "Bzzzt!"

 

Indian guy goes into the bar toteing a shotgun over his shoulder and carrying a pail of cow shit. He has a long ox tail hanging from his belt.

Bellies up to the bar and orders up a beer. He downs the beer, lets loose with the shotgun at the bucket of manure, and ripps off a chunk of the ox tail, chews it well and swallows. he does this several times through the night

Finally the bartended confronts this guy and asks him just what is he doing.

"Me be like white man. Go to the bar for a beer, shoot the shit then rip off a piece of tail."

 

Heaven is Where:

The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
and
It's all organized by the Swiss.

Hell is Where:

The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
and
It's all organized by the Italians

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

 

98% of all Americans say "OH FUCK!" before going into the ditch on a slippery snowy road. The other 2% are from Montana and Idaho. They say, "Hold my beer WATCH THIS"

 

Whats the difference between Tiger Woods on the golf course and Tiger Woods in a Cadillac Escalade?

Tiger can drive a golf ball 400 yds.

 

Kilroy Was There

A man was traveling through Georgia last summer and stopped at
a little backwoods country store. In the men's room there
was a handwritten sign above the malfunctioning potty which
said, "Please Wiggle Handel".

Below that some wit had written, "If I do, will it wiggle
Bach?"




.

 

What do Tiger Woods and seals have in common?

They've both been clubbed by Norwegians.

 

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '

Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.