Humor Thread

In Scottsdale, AZ the other day, there was a bumper sticker on a parked car that read "I miss Chicago.”

Someone broke the window, shot out all four tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read:


"Hope this helps"

 

Welcome home

 

The other night I was invited out for a night with the guys. I told my wife that I would be home by midnight, “I promise!” Well, the hours passed and the beers went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckoo-ed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my wife would probably wake up, I cuckoo-ed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with her. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT !)

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, I told her “MIDNIGHT!”… she didn’t seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then she said “We need a new cuckoo clock.” When I asked her why, she said, “Well, last night our clock cuckoo-ed three times, then said “oh shit” Cuckoo-ed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckoo-ed another three times, chuckled, cuckoo-ed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

I would never try something as stupid as that this day and age. It didn't work for me back in the mid 80's either. Then again it could have been the neatly stacked firewood falling against my prized LeMans convertable that woke her up.

 

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

 

Scubalong goes on a vacation and finds himself on the east coast of Canada in the fine province of Newfoundland & Labrador. He hires a diving boat and operator. He asked the Newfie, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

The Newfie replies "Lard tunderin' Jesuas boy you gotta be stunned as me arse! If they fell forwards, day'd still be here in dis fookin boat!"

 

I don't know if it is the accent or the revelation of "If they fell forwards, day'd still be here in dis fookin boat!" But I am still laughing.

 

My doctor told me to start killing people. Well. Do something to reduce my stress. Same thing realy.

 

I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.

 

A thief broke into my house last night......He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.

 

It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"

 

Forgot drink between eat and sleep but still a perfect plan for a days ride

 

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother, “she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she has sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn’t intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did.”

 

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Fuck off....dickweed.

 

It should be noted that this is the Large Hardon Collider...