Humor Thread

If its someone from here, we don't need to know his name. Especially if its a long name.

 

That's music to my ears.

 

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied.“I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

 

Garage door opener.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJwN4QYcs7c

 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says, "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."

One thing leads to another and they make love. After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."

The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"

The girl replies...."I Didn't feel a thing."

 

Now thats a hard decision, witch or hooters

 

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express ​ ​ praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. ​ ​ Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his ​ ​ scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the ​ ​ doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled ​ ​ gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor ​ ​ Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move ​ ​ caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate ​ ​ operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed ​ ​ remnants of Phil's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as ​ ​ they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of ​ ​ the hospital and the doctors say that with time his scrotum should ​ ​ recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor ​ ​ rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil."

The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife ​ ​ the word is sternum."

 

I want his horn.

 

Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman: Do you drink Beer?
Man: Yes.

Woman: How many Beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay Per Beer?
Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.

(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been Drinking?
Man: About 20 years, I Suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be Approximately $5400 …Correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for Inflation, The past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, Correct?
Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much Beer, That money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, You could have now Bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink Beer?
Woman: No.

Man: Where's your Ferrari?

 

I guess Donald Trump, if nominated and wins, will not be president too long. Doctors found a brain tumor during his last colonoscopy test.

 

That's funny right there. Yup.

 

A WOMAN'S POEM:


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand..
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen.
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.


A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking.. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

 

This is a link to Top 10 Funniest Facebook Comments on Models Photos

www.superstreetbike.com/top-10-funniest-facebook-comments-models-photos