Humor Thread

A few more .

 

I've found my purpose in life.

 

^LOVE IT! Hysterical

 

Emma and Gertie were down by the boat docks one day. While walking along the dock they came up to a boat with divers and all their gear. They were both very curious about diving and decided to ask the men some questions.
Gertie blurts out why do you guys always fall backwards of the boat? A salty looking diver turns and says, if they fell forward the would still be in the freaking boat!

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=suYz5SHFHyA

 

That's wrong in so many ways, yet very funny

 

Well, ain't that some shit...

 

A bakery owner hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says.
The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves.
As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd.
Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."

 

Right now, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

So every day, I walk in the street and tell people what I ate, how I feel, and what I did and will do next. I also listen to the conversations of others and tell the "I like!". I even Poke them!...And it works!

I now already have three people who are following me: a policeman, a psychiatrist, and a psychologist!

 

Little Randy is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Randy.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

 

Better than #2 from the high dive! While inflicted with IBS

 

A few items to try and offend.


I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drinking, drugs and wild sex, I woke up to find myself next to a really ugly woman. That's when I realized I had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,bronze, copper & lead .

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Canada.

A boy asks his granny, "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?" Granny replies, "Damn the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body? Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!" "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 10:30.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

 

Vernon works hard at the Phone Company but spends
two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
so for his birthday she takes him to a local
strip club.


The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
this club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.


His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
beside her.


Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else,
but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4 letter word in the book..

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'




VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE FRIDAY AT 2

 

I wonder if Aaron Hernandez will be a tight end in prison............eventually he will have to move to wide receiver.

 

I wonder if he'll go long or get called for holding? If he resists, it's roughing up the receiver for certain.

 

Senior Moments

I don't trip over things, I do random gravity checks!

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

I don't have gray hair. I have "wisdom highlights". I'm just very wise.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance to idiots that needs work.

Of course I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

 

Randy goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to Randy, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And Randy says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.

He called Randy's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about Randy's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator again!"