Humor Thread

Death row inmates are also alive when you kill them too but no one seems to care about that.

 

Depends what she means, ie I get my meat from a butcher, I don't personally kill the steer.

Usually fresh lobsters are alive until you boil them but the humane way is to pop it in a freezer for a bit first to put it to sleep.

 

I bet they wake up fast when they hit the water.

 

Who wants to hit the hot tub?

 

Not if you do it correctly.


"If you have bought a live lobster, you should kill it just before cooking it. The most humane way to do this is to put it in the freezer for two hours, or put in a container and cover it with crushed ice for the same amount of time - this will render it unconscious. Then, having made sure that the lobster is no longer moving, push the tip of a large, sharp, heavy knife or a skewer through the centre of the cross on its head, and it's believed that this will kill it instantly. "

 

Chilliwack - 12 Alpha 3. Officer needs assistance. Canine unaccounted for. We need to set up a search perimeter.

 

Wow, thats alot of grass...ruff

 

Being that today is Ash Wednesday...

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.

The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell.

The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder".

St. Peter said, "Very good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball."

 

(I could see Randy in this situation)

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said - "Well, yeah, if that's what they are, I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says- "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around piles of cow shit".

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, " Hey---wait a minute, are you trying to call me...?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a pile of shit".

The Trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

 

One day a young woman had just started playing her round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, 'Why are you back in so early?

'I was stung by a bee', she cried.
'Where?', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said... 'Then your feet were too far apart.'

 

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called in an artist. Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this there were hundreds of Indians in various stages and different positions of making love. Furious he called the artist in.

"What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth, I asked for a mural of the interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist, "I call it, 'Holy cow look at all those fucking Indians!'"

 

Electrician Porn.

 

Computer sex

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her one word: comfortable."

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull."

 

Anyone else find it interesting that Bruce Jenner never had an auto accident until he became a woman driver? Jus' sayin' . . .

 

^OMG coffee just spewed out my face. LOL

 

Had to google the name to understand the reference, he makes as unattractive a women as Chaz.

 

I heard it was a tranny failure...

 

lmao
Shared that one.

 

My wife was watching TV the other night and a couple were getting romantic and amorous. she turned to me and said that I should go buy some of those pills that increase a mans libido so I would get romantic like they do on TV. So last night I come home with a big bottle of diet pills for her...

And that's when the fight started.