Humor Thread

Bahahahaha! My wife would kill me!

 

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with queenly large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers.

Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by both the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Nick . . .

The moral of the story - Pay your f**kin' bills.

 

A great avatar for someone who used to post frequently here:

 

Almond Milk.

Because nobody would buy Nut Juice.

‪

 

I don't know about that.
http://i.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/capital-life/5176745/Women-flock-to-take-horse-semen-shots

 

:faint::hss:

 

Interesting Q & A in the Hutt section, must be fun folks that live there.

Q. What does a Hutt girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old Hutt girl?
A. Granny.

Q. Why did the Hutt girl cross the road?
A. To start a fight with a complete stranger for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a Hutt girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. Two Hutt kids in a car without loud music - who is driving?
A. The policeman.

Q. What's the difference between a Hutt boy and a Hutt girl?
A. A Hutt girl has a higher sperm count

 

Wutts a Hutt?

 

You never heard of The most famous Hutt: "Jabba" ?

Ride Red!

 

It's an area in NZ known for winning the Hospital with the dirtiest hands competition 3 years straight.

" Grubby hands at Hutt Hospital
Hutt Hospital staff have the dirtiest hands in the country, coming last in a national hygiene audit for the third time running. "

http://www.stuff.co.nz/dominion-post/news/hutt-valley/65173517/Grubby-hands-at-Hutt-Hospital

 

Then there's Rutts Hut for anyone in Jersey - such as myself.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rutt's_Hut

 

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead , between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . .
Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .Again . . and, again . . . . !!

Her heart was pounding, her face was flushed .
She moaned . Softly at first, then began to groan louder .
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out a piercing scream and shouted "OK, OK, you ass hole, I can't parallel park. You do it !!"

**************************

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.
The son says, "I did some homework."
The robot slaps the son.
The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."
Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son.
Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father.
Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother.

Robot for sale.

********************

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to little Johnny playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and Johnny say "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the fuck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

Mom goes nuts and tells Johnny "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, Johnny comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mom hears Johnnysay, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

Just as mom begins to smile Johnny adds: "For those of you who are upset off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

 

I pulled into a town I couldn't believe still existed in the eighties.
A dusty, dirt road, a little old wooden store that actually said "General Store", and that was it. There was a little old man sitting in front of the store in a rocking chair... I said to him, "What do you folks do around here?"

He said, "We don't do nothin' but hunt n' fuck."

I said, "What do you hunt?"

He said, "Somethin'to fuck."

 

When I told you I was normal, I may have exaggerated slightly.

 

.......................................................

 

Thanks go to STG...

 

Pretty Much!

 

A father leaves work a little late one night and, while on his way home, he remembers that he has not yet purchased a birthday gift for his young daughter. He quickly parks his car in front of a toy store and asks the salesperson:
“How much is the Barbie in the window?”.
With a convincing voice, the salesperson replies:
“Well, we have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’ for $19.95…
‘Barbie plays Volleyball’ for $19.95…
‘Barbie goes Shopping’ for $19.95…
‘Barbie goes to the Beach’ for $19.95…
and ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $265.95…
The surprised man asks: “What? Why does the divorced Barbie cost $265.95 when the rest are only $19.95?”
Salesman says: “Sir, the ‘Divorced Barbie’ comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s house, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, Ken’s computer, and one of Ken’s friends.”

 

Those are awesome, especially after the Super Bowl.