Humor Thread

This is just a test......... you watch.......Turned us into puppets. ......

 

FINALLY! I got a job to help suppliment my retirement pension. Thought I would never get hired. Seems people just don't want to hire us older people. They seem to think we can't do the job. Retail businesses can realize substantial profits by hiring us older, more experienced people

https://www.youtube.com/embed/19THRdXxmaI

 

Thanks for the offer Randy, but I can scramble my own eggs and beat my own meat. lol
When you get down here -and if you are the girly type of man that plays golf- a round of golf is on me on one of the nicest courses in OC.

 

Derstuka copping an attitude!

 

By the way, the offer to play a round stands. Just make sure you shave your legs and wear nail polish.

 

Woman:
Do you drink beer?


Man:
Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man:
$5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending
each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400
correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could
have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after
accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

 

A guy walked into a costume party wearing nothing but a pair of jeans; no shirt, no shoes. After a few minutes of everyone trying to figure out his costume the host in an elaborate pirate costume asks him, "So, what are you dressed as?"

"I'm a premature ejaculation!" The guest stated.

"Why aren't you wearing any shirt, shoes or anything but jeans?", the pirate asks.

"I just came in my pants!"

 

Funny,Whats ya doin up brotha?

 

Surgery!

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.*
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his ha nds on a rag and said, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

So how come I make $39,675 a year, a pretty small salary and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic................................*
"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me. But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?

 

Some older Canadians will remember these old CBC Hinterland shorties on TV

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_fzURXpftMo

 

They're still playing them in Ontario late at night!!!:confusion:

 

.................

 

Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The first guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

 

After a hard day at work, a guy gets home and is immediately confronted by the old lady.

But before she can say anything, he says, "quick! get me a beer. Before it starts! Hurry!"

Confused, the harpy goes for the brew. Blessedly, he sits down in his recliner. When she gets back, she starts to open her mouth, but before she speaks he says, "where's the remote?!? Get it for me. Quick! Before it starts!" So she gets him the remote. He slams the beer while she's doing that.

"I need another beer. Hurry! Before it starts!" So she goes for another beer. He flips on tube and finishes his brewski. When she gets back, he pops it and takes a long pull.

So finally, the wench explodes, "godammit!, as soon as you get home you just plop right down, scratch your balls, and flip on the TV. You worthless bastard."

So then he mutters, "oh geez, it started."

 

A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are. That's why I get invited to golf so often.