Humor Thread

Not sure is been posted before and I'm too lazy to all 68 pages.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7i9Jb2cuuR8

 

You know for the most part I like this forum, a lot of useful info, helpful people but sometimes the opinions can get a little preachy, so for those cases, here's what you can do with your opinion...

 

Ha! That is priceless!

 

A mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
The Child asks, "Mother, where do babies come from?"
After thinking about it for a moment the mother says "Well dear.... mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room..they kiss, hug and have sex."
The child looks puzzled. The mother continues "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey."
The child replies "Oh I see, but the other night when I came into yours and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"
The Mother says, "Jewelry dear.

 

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

'Doctor,' the man said,

'I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!'

'Nonsense,' the doctor said...

'Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.'

'It isn't possible,' the man insisted.
'This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.'

"Well, said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex???"

The man seemed a bit ashamed..

'I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.'

'Well, there you have it!' The doctor said confidently....

"It's Rust."





what do you get if you cross an anteater with a vibrator?

an Armadildo

 

Now I'd be up for this "Super Bowl"!

 

Some simple truths.

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats".
But none of them touches the man's penis and says, "Good job".
Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.

FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems but then neither does milk.

BONUS TRUTH:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

 

I think my house is haunted. Seems every morning when I get up, look in the mirror to brush my teeth, I see this ghost of an old fat, ugly fugger doing the same thing.

 

Cleavage is like the sun: unprotected, you can only glance at it, but wear sunglasses and you can stare much longer!

 

Ya. Even on cloudy days!

 

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.

The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot...

'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.

The old man said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'

'Sure will.'

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off of the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it – that’ll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off of the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin’ here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun … grip and all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playin’ the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much.'


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She sped along the road quite fast,
The cops were right behind,
They blew their sirens loud and clear,
She gave it no never mind.
She pulled into a Gas Depot,
And out of the car - KA-ZOOM!
She ran into the station there,
And made for the ladies room.
When she came out, she smiles at the cops,
She sure knew how to fake it.
She pulled on her girdle and sweetly said:
"Bet you thought I couldn't make it!"

 

The Texan was beginning to wear on his listeners with his bragging when one spoke up and said: "Yep, those Texans are big people alright. I know one so big that when he died, they couldn't find a coffin big enough to bury him in so they gave hims an enema and buried him in a shoe box."

 

The Dying Man



An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite Italian anisette sprinkle biscuits wafting up the stairs.
Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled biscuits.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the biscuit was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..... 'Fuck off!' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

 

The king of sarcasm.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qmHwXf8JUOw

 

Even the state see the humor in that speed limit sign.

 

Men strike back!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
----------------------------------------------------------

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
-- --------------------------------------------------------

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
----------------------------------------------------

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
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Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and
to the select few women who can handle it!

 

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."

So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks,

"Was that cross enough?"