Humor Thread

An 8 year old kid got a bicycle from Santa for Christmas and he decided to take it out for a spin.

A Mounted (on a horse) police officer who was in the neighborhood was on patrol noticed the kid on the bike. The cop on the horse trotted up to the kid on the bike.

The cop asked, "Hey kid, did you get that bike from Santa las night?", The kid replied, "Yes I did, Santa brought it to me last night."
The Cop said, "Well next time make sure that Santa includes a rear light on the back, Im going to have to give you a ticket for no rear light."

The cop gives the kid a ticket. As the cop gets back on his horse the kid asks the cop, "did Santa bring you that horse you are riding on?" The cop sat back on the saddle amused and said, "why, yes, Santa did bring me this horse last night. Why do you ask?" The kid replied, " well next time you wish for a horse from Santa, could you please ask for the dick to be under the horse instead of riding it!"

Merry Christmas VFRW!

 

Quarterbacks should all have short names. Here's why.

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.”

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."

The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.”

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,

"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

 

Went in to see the doc today. He was out but the office had a young doctor in covering for my family doc. She was quite the hot number too. She told me I had to stop masturbating.

"Why?" I wanted to know.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you."

 

We had a little snow last night, but I think this happens every time they predict more than 2 inches of snow around here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6zaVYWLTkU

 

DRUNK DRIVING

I would like to share a personal experience with my family & friends about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it!!!

 

Billy was sitting on the side of the road. He was holding a bottle when a priest came up to him and asked what he had.

Billy replied, "Turpentine - The most powerful thing in the universe." The priest looked in awe and said, "Son the most

powerful thing in the universe is holy water, If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby boy."

Billy looked up in bewilderment and said, "Shit, you rub this on a cat's ass and it will pass Randy on his motorcycle!

 

My wife asked, "What's that pile of clothes doing on the bedroom floor?"

I said, "It's a dead Jedi."

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0EQdXyKiFY4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fgUosngyAu0

 

*Economics Teacher:*
Class, can you give me an example of complete business failure due to
professional negligence?

*Johnny:*
A pregnant prostitute

 

That guy is an excellent ranter....

 

That was a very good and funny rant. You can say the same about Texas. If the wind blows or the rains come it is reported as a disaster of biblical proportions. Let the snow fly and the damage to cars is incalculable. Around here it's not "all weather tires" it's "I've got a big truck with four wheel drive. I can go as fast as I want on solid ice because I've got four wheel drive and, of course, anti-lock brakes. Nothing brings out the dumb ass quite like a snow day.

 

Yes. He is good at what he does. Rick Mercer works for our infamous Canadian Broadcasting Corporation, Canada's feeble attempt at copying the BBC. Mercer is about the best product out of that place. Anyways, a few years back he was able to ask your President Bush (JR) and ask his if he would congratulate our newly elected Prime Minister Poutine. And that is exactly what Bush did. On TV, in front of cameras, "I congratulate Prime Minister Poutine on his recent election." Bush then carried on with his game of golf.

For those who do not know, poutine is a dish readily available across Canada and now down into the States, developed in the mid 50's in Quebec where French Fries are smothered in cheese and gravy. Even MacDonald's sells it here not. Sounds gross I know but it actually tastes pretty good. Hate to see what it does to the arteries though.

 

I love Bushisms, how about a sticky? Or might need a super sticky.

 

There are a group of men and their pregnant wives sitting in a birthing class. A trainer walks in and addresses the class.

"Ladies, its very important to exercise while pregnant. Walking is the best form of exercise that you can do. This will help your muscles in the delivery phase of your pregnancy. Just remember to walk on either soft paths or on grass. You fathers should be supportive of your wives during this time and also walk with her."

There is a lot of discussion going on in the room when a man in the back raises his hand and asks the question. " Would it be ok if our wives carry the golf bag during these walks?"

 

Putting $4,000.00 rims on your 1999 Honda civic is like your 90 year old grandma getting a boob job. I mean, just say'n.

 

Tourism Winnipeg poster:



Living here, you have to have a sense of humour.

 

Surprise sex is the best thing to wake up to in the morning.

unless you are in prison.

 

I make my wife scream during sex just by phoning her.

 

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains of Alaska . He was driving along the campground when he heard a frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a Vote for Obama hat and a Save the Trees shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, thrashing all about and trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing Go Sarah shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug right into the bear's chest. The two other men pulled the semi-conscious Democrat from the bear's grasp. Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear.

Two of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he proudly proclaimed. "I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and Democratic environmental activists, but now I've seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, "Who the hell was that guy?" "Dude, that was the Pope," another replied. "He's in direct contact with Heaven and has access to all wisdom."

"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to all wisdom, but he don't know shit about bear hunting! By the way, is our bait still alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one..?"