Humor, not about religion.

OK, maybe a little about religion. LMAO.

About Dr. Laura:

On her radio show, Dr. Laura said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Schlesinger, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as quite informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan,

James M. Kauffman,

Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,

Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia

P.S. (It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian.)

 

I have a friend that did a letter similar to that. His main question was owning slaves, since the Old Testament allows slaves. He specifically wanted a Canadian as a slave since they are so well mannered.

 

lmao!

 

The price of Canadians has rocketed recently, after "retiring with extreme prejudice" ten of my older ones, I found I could only afford 4 new ones.
Of course, being a canny Scot, I got a cracking deal on two breeding pairs, John and Patrick and Ian and Kevin.

 

If you fukker start enslaving us Canadians, I am going to start and underground railway for escaping slaves. We did that for the American slaves way back when, so that idea is already known down there and we would get found out right quick. We don't border on any other country. Wait. We are neighbours to Greenland. We can escape there!

Ahhhmmmmm. Maybe someone from a nice part of the globe can buy me after all. I like to wash cars and keep yards well trimmed.

 

Ah yes, it's a dilemma as the older models like yourself Randy have a lot more character and were built better. However running costs and maintenance are higher and they do tend to break down more often. I would have you like a shot as a weekend slave, but practicality says I need a young, nubile canadian lassie for everyday use. Sorry.

 

In Chicago, we do have slaves that are Canadian. They were very expensive and they are great at playing hockey. We are currently in need of a few more.

 

Emphasis on the last two lines of the first paragraph. If it weren't for you guddam yanks, I would never have had a glorious 25 year career!

We also sent Sitting Bull back after your Gen Custer failed. Without bloodshed. We had to. Our firearms probably would not fire anyways. They were probably hand me downs from the Brits when they fought you anamalistic deviants from the War of Independence.

 

I heard that a Quebec slave garners a higher payment. Eh?