Essential Tools for every Garage

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had just carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in less time than it takes you to say, "Oh, shit!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting toolused to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheets into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strengthof everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object you are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

Son of a b*tch TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

 

awesome....sounds like my workshop...

 

An interesting side effect of tools is holding one in your hand pretty much guarantees that that hand will attack the other one.

 

i freakin love it

 

altho I found the entire thread to be hilarious I have to say that

"HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short."

actually made me laff out loud, and I am alone.

Nice one dude. :thumbsup:

 

Still laughin'

 

That's some funny shiite right there!

 

Is there a camera in my garage? I have a personal (funny/bumb-shit) story for 13 out of the 19 tools listed...

 

any relation to the 'bastard file'?

 

...made me laugh out loud too! Thanks for putting the list together, I will be posting it in my garage to help remind which tools are for what application.

 

I have at least two of the last one.....one is on the other side of the garage at the moment.....

 

For the life of me I don't understand why they call it a "Skill Saw"

BTW. I have seen vise grips used to stop air leaks in Airbrake Systems by pinching off the lines that leak. You know. That 30 ton loaded logging truck coming down the road with 40% of its brakes ineffective!

 

i think i get blood blisters every time i use pliers

 

Crescent Wrench(aka adjustable wrench): See pliers

 

esential tools

Guys,
I just found the other one I got two now for sure......knew a guy once born with a skill saw in his hands.....The only power tools I dare touch don't cut...they turn but no cutting....
Rod

 

DOn't forget a sledge hammer - for when a regular hammer just isn't big enough. Take this little gem to whatever you wish, and it will never properly work again.