Humor Thread

My brother had one of those wagons way back when. Big black bitch. But it was not still in the crate. I think they designed the USS Gerald Ford based on that car.

 

Billy was sitting on the side of the road. He was holding a bottle when a priest came up to him and asked what he had.
Billy replied, "Turpentine - The most powerful thing in the universe."
The priest looked in awe and said, "Son the most powerful thing in the universe is holy water, If you rub it on a pregnant woman's belly she'll pass a baby boy."
Billy looked up in bewilderment and said, "Shit, you rub this on a cat's ass and it will pass Randy on his motorcycle!

 

A woman went to a doctor with symptoms of heart problems. After an examination, the doctor prescribed twice daily doses of testosterone. After two months, the woman returns to the doctor. She tells him she feels great with lots of energy, but she is concerned because she's growing hair where she had never grown hair before. He asked where this unusual hair growth was. She said "On my balls, doctor, on my balls".

 

I will always remember my buddy gave me his card years ago for St.Victor Auto Body Valve Grind and Storm Door company.

 

A grade two teacher had noticed that little Suzzie has fallen asleep at her desk, so she called out, "Suzzie. Who created the whole universe?"

Little Johnny, who sits right behind Suzzie, did not want to see her get into trouble, so he poked her in the behind with his pencil.

Suzzie jumped up and said, "God almighty!"

Teacher said, "Than's right Suzzie, very good."

Suzzie immediately fell back asleep. Teacher noticed this and asked again, "Suzzie. Who died on the cross for the sins of mankind?"

Again, Johnny did not want to see Suzzie get into trouble and he again poked her in the behind with his pencil.

Suzzie again jumped up as let out, "Jesus Christ!"

Teacher again said, "Again Suzzie, that is right. Very good."

Suzzie again fell asleep at her desk. Teacher then said. "Suzzie. What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth to their 12th child?"

Once again, Johnny did not want to see Suzzie in trouble with the teacher so he poked her once again in the butt with his pencil.

Suzzie jumped up and yelled out, "Poke me with that thing again and I'm going to break it in half!"

 

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

 

Q: If a black bird has black baby birdies, and a blue bird has blue baby birdies, what bird has no baby birdies?

A: A swallow!

 

A man goes to Hell and Satan greets him in the lobby where there are 3 doors..... "Pick a number, the room you pick will be where you spend the rest of your days".
"Do I get to look inside each room before I pick?"
"OK, if you must"
Inside Room #1, there's many people standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.....
"Can I have a pillow?"
"Absolutely no pillows!"
Moving on, Room #2 has many people standing on their heads on a marble floor.......
"You sure I can't have a pillow?"
"I told you, no pillows!"
Inside Room #3, there's a whole bunch of people in a giant cesspool, up to their waists in poop, standing there drinking coffee"
"Oh, I love coffee, I think I can take the smell, I'll take Room #3"
The man wades in up to his waist, finds a good spot and a nice fresh cup of coffee is put into his hand.
After a few sips, the coffee is tasting wonderful........ a couple of minutes later, the buzzer goes and a voice comes over the loudspeaker
"OK everybody, coffee break's over, get back on your heads"

 

A big city New York lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.
The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three Kick Rule."
The lawyer asked, "What is the Texas Three Kick Rule?"
The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's shin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick landed square on the man's nose. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot, now it's my turn!"
The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."