Humor Thread

A buddy of mine, Tom, had been in the RCMPolice service for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land up in the hills in northern Alberta about as far from humanity as possible.
He recently sent me a letter, noting ... he sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. But that otherwise it's total peace and quiet. He went on to say that after six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. He said I'm having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00.
"Great," says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you ... Be some drinking."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops.
"More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right.
I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex too."
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea.
"I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?'
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us," said Cliff ....

 

shouldn't paleontologists be called boners ?

 

Or willing to sell a Lotus Esprit for 50p...

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/west_midlands/4122842.stm

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Today was not a good day. I decided to go horseback riding something I haven't done in over 10 yrs.
It turned out to be a big mistake!
I got on the horse and started out slow but then we went a little faster and before I knew it we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off but caught my foot in the stirrup with the horse dragging me.
It wouldn't stop it just kept going around and around in a circle.
Thank goodness the store manager at Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the machine.

 

So an elderly Italian man living alone in New Jersey wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

 

Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end and the lifeguards noticed. The blew them fucking whistles so loud, I almost fell in.

 

Question - Is Sex Pleasure or Work ?
A Canadian Army C.O. was about to start the morning briefing to all the
staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the C.O.
decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had
been a bit frisky the night before, and therefore he failed to get his usual
amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question; "How much of the act of sex is "work," and how much is "pure pleasure"?
A Captain chimed in with a 75-25% in favour of 'work'
A Lieutenant said it was probably about 50-50%.
A Warrant-Officer responded with a 25-75% in favour of 'pleasure', depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the C.O. turned to the Newfie Private who was in
charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Newfie responded, "Sir, it has to be 100%
pleasure, Sir." The C.O.. a little surprised and as you might guess, said "And why is that soldier"?
"Well, Sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing
it for them, Sir"
The room fell silent......

 

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