Humor Thread

Canadian Police.

 

Sunday Morning Sex
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

 

LOOKING FOR A JOB

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said"Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in Newfoundland."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him
a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One".
The boss says "Just one?!!? Our salespeople average sales of 20 to 30
customers a day. That will have to change, and soon if you'd like to
continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our
sales force here in Vancouver. One sale a day might have been acceptable
in Newfoundland, but you're not in a fishing village anymore, son."
The kid took his beating but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss
felt kind of bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked
(semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65.′′
The boss, astonished, says, "$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold
him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he
was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going
to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a
twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic
would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold
him that 4×4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
boat and a TRUCK!?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and
I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.’"

 

We all know one of those guys, don't we.

 

You know that you are in a red neck country when you book into a sleazy motel, phone the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink" and the clerk replies, "That's fine. Go ahead."

 

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband of
20 years is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes
downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at
the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of
him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye
and takes a sip of his coffee. What's the matter,
dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why
are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "Do you
remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you
were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched
to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and
sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming
easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in
the back seat of my car?" "Yes, I remember" said the
wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you
marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20
years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and

said...... "I would have gotten out today."