Humor Thread

Maybe it's just me, but that's the way it's always been......

 

I heard a Dr. on TV saying that in this time of Coronavirus and staying at home, we should focus on inner peace.
To achieve this, we should always finish things we start and we all could use more calm in our lives.
I looked through my house to find things I'd started and hadn't finished:
I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how feckin fablus I feel rite now. Sned this to all who need inner piss. An telum u luvum. And two hash yer wands, stafe day avrybobby!!!

 

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband:
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack, Non smoking pack, Diesel particulate filter

 

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That one is non essential.

 

Another one grabbed from FB

 

Some great ones lately. Thanks for the laughs fellas. I needed it. One of my best friends has been fighting for his life from C19. He has been on a ventilator for 14 days and the mortality rate is like 80% for being on one that long. But the last 3 days his fever dropped from 103 to 99.7 and they have been able to drop his oxygen level to 45%. Things are looking better. He's only 50 and was in good health. Had been traveling a lot for work.

 

Wishing him a full recovery. Wishing more people would follow the 6 foot distance rule which some medical people are now saying is not enough

 

Wishing him a full and speedy recovery!

 

Good news.
My X at 57 just beat it after 5 days in the hospital.
First case in Thousands Oals CA.
Plus she’s a liver recipient
Sounds like he’s a fighter




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Good news for your friend, I sincerely hope his trend continues. This is a nasty and unpredictable menace.

 

"But officer, I wasn't racing, I was trying to keep you at at least 6 ft away from me..."
" I was thinking of your safety, honest I was..."