Humor Thread

Truth

 

Driver: It is not about how many time you fall down, it is all about the number of times you get back up, dust yourself off, and try again.

Cop: That's not how field sobriety tests work.

 

Speaking by experience Randy?
Sure you’ve seen a good share.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

Ya. I have a few stories. One instance, as always, asked the woman driver how much she had has to drink. The most common answer is 2. Usually we double the answer and are quite close. She blurted out in a definite slurrrrrr, "Ohhhhhh! Abooooout a doooooozen."

 

Oh. BTW
Cops never caught me. LOL

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

 

More truth.

 

Speaking of pinatas - here is a video demonstrating transitioning between options/tools...

 

I'm back on my diet so the timing was great for this! lolol

 

Women. Listen up. Telling a man you already have a man will not prevent him from hitting on you. Tell him you used to be a man, well that could be a different story.

 

What if I wanted to be a Lumberjack? Do I have to put on womens clothing, and hang around in bars?

 

I went to a disco last night. They played "The Twist", I did the twist.

They played "Jump", I jumped.

They played "Come On Eileen". I got kicked out for that one.

 

Not sure if War footage can be considered Humor, but there are some moments in this Footage that come close after Aussie RAR regular Infantry arrive on the scene in support of US Troops under fire by the Taliban in Afghanistan.

Some Highlights

20 Seconds
US Soldier: Yer, thats the Hornets Nest we're talking about Sir.
Aussie Dave: Wait, don't call me sir I'm only a Corporal, call me Dave.

1:20
Orrr the mini gun....

2:30
US Soldier on the radio: We have Aussie troopers weapons here now..

2:55
Aussie Dave: Get a hold of it Jole, lets go.

3:10
Johnno, got the gun going yet....Yep...Sorted ?

3:20
Thats it Johno, OK mate, 2 knuckles left...your row of trees you'll see where our Treeline ends and the far one starts...one burst three rounds, make sure that gun's going.

5:48
I know there's a f*cken Donkey out there, we can't shoot that.

Combat Footage: Australian and American Soldiers Fighting Together