Humor Thread

So in that video, how where the ones in all black?

 

I don't know for sure. There was a small group at the end of the red coats who appeared to be lead my a member in serge on the right. These may have been non regular members of the RCMP, such as special constables. Only regular members of the RCMP active and retired can wear the red serge. The remaining that were following were likely from another police force.

 

Prohibition was stupid and pointless. Prohibition was sold to the public with religious justification and much the same rhetoric as the gun control. It was billed as the moral and right thing to do. It got a lot of people killed, caused a lot of public corruption and made organized crime powerful. What it didn't do is stop people from drinking. It's funny but the Northern border was the problem back then and today it's the southern border running contraband. My how times change.

 

Theoretically, eliminate the discovery of alcohol and trillions would be saved in policing and health care costs. But that's just theory. We are aware of alcohol and we want it.

The north border still is a threat to your society. At one time in recent past, your beer was like virgin girly pee. Americans were coming across the 49th and buying our beer to take back to the usa. Sometimes illegally. Now you have conformed with our ways and produced better beer, almost as good as ours. Gun control is next.

 

I listened to Rose Marie.
Seriously Randy, stick with the lumberjack song. It's much better.

 

ROMANCE

Barb was lying in bed one night. Lee was falling asleep but Barb was
in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to
get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me... "
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and
settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my Neck..."
Angrily, Lee threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" Barb asked.
"To get my teeth!"
_____________________________________


DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can
guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
_____________________________________

OLD FRIENDS

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long
time but I just can't think of your name. I've thought and thought,
but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
_____________________________________

SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Vernon ,
I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
I-25. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Vernon , "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
_____________________________________

SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down
the halls in a nursing home. As she ran, she would flip up the hem of
her nightgown and say "Supersex." She ran up to an elderly man in a
wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
_____________________________________

DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on
through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing
it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the
light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was
getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on
through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could
have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh shit! Am I driving?"

 

Is this the humor thread or "you know you're old when" thread?

 

When word sharted makes sence

 

Uh, both¿

 

I've seen a couple of those before. But I got a laugh out of it again. Sometimes we forget even the funny things.

 

Or at your advanced age, you forget the...things...

 

My bladder reminds me quite often about...things

 

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter.

The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

 

I have never been more embarrassed as an American.

 

Possibly the best insult ever!

 

Quote of the Day from the Los Angeles Times:

"Frankly, I don't know what it is about California, but we seem to have a strange urge to elect really obnoxious women to high office. I'm not bragging, you understand, but no other state, including Maine, even comes close. When it comes to sending left-wing dingbats to Washington, we're Number One. There's no getting around the fact that the last time anyone saw the likes of Barbara Boxer, Dianne Feinstein, Maxine Waters, and Nancy Pelosi, they were stirring a cauldron when the curtain went up on ' Macbeth '. The four of them are like jackasses who happen to possess the gift of blab. You don't know if you should condemn them for their stupidity or simply marvel at their ability to form words."

Columnist Burt Prelutsky,

Los Angeles Times

 

I was eating an orange. Do you have any idea what that feels like coming through your nose?

 

How did you get the orange to come?