Humor Thread

These may require a rim shot sound affect...

-I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
-When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
-Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
-A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
-She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
-The batteries were given out free of charge.
-In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
-A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
-The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
-A will is a dead giveaway.
-Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

 

A few more for you...

-A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
-With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
-A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
-A boiled egg is hard to beat.
-A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
-Police were called to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
-If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
-Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
-Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

 

The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early Retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a Bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my dick to my balls.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.

But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to 'drop 'em,' which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's dick and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'


The old Chief calmly replied, ' Vietnam'.

 

I thought for sure this would have been one of our esteemed chatters grandfather who would have declared his balls were in his wife's purse back home! Not mentioning any names here.

 

Politically incorrect and funny.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oo9bSrA-5FA

 

Instead of the USA changing to the Metric System like we should have, we just created a different system that's more accurate.

 

Those are some thick hairs, just sayin...

 

I don't get this but here you go anyways.

 

Oooohhhh, thats just wrong

 

Something wrong with granny blowing a load duc? lmao

 

Back on January 9th, a group of Wadesboro, North Carolina bikers were riding east on Hwy.74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.
George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
“Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin’ up there on that railin’?”
She says tearfully, “I’m going to commit suicide!!”
While he didn’t want to appear “sensitive,” George also didn’t want to miss this “be-a-legend” opportunity either so he asked . . . “Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don’t you give ol’ George here your best last kiss?”
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, “Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That’s a real talent you’re wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
It’s still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

 

lmao, did not see that coming.

 

I met a double amputee lingerie model last night. She invited me to a party with all of her amputee model friends. Man, that place was literally crawling with pussy.

 

My legs are just.....so crossed....very tightly, right now!

 

Lmfao......

 

A police officer called the station on his radio.
“I have an interesting situation here.
An old lady shot her husband who walked
on the floor she just mopped.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“Not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

 

For some reason atgatt springs to mind before I'd attempt to rescue the poor little bugger.

 

"I just bought a Volkswagen diesel, now I'm fuming".

 

https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d2/68/d5/d268d5aba09526665d72c42bc7817f1c.jpg
Wounder who this cat is talking to..