Humor Thread

It took a lot of practice to accomplish that.

 

OK, this one had me chuckling pretty good:

What two things do the Special Olympics and orgies have in common?

1 - Everyone is a winner
2 - All that drooling.

 

The Chancellor of Germany is visiting Poland. At the border, the agent asks "name?"

"Angela Merkel" she replies.

He proceeds, "occupation?"

"No, just visiting."

 

A newly wed couple booked into the Bridal Suite at the new down town Holliday Inn. Soon as they got there, it began. There was moaning and screaming. Headboards were banging. One hell of a noise. Nearby hotel neighbours would complain to the front dest but their reply was "Hey. They are newly weds."

Well about four in the morning the noise subsided. But not for long. About 7AM it started all over again and went on for an hour and a half.

Finally at 9:30, the front desk got a call fromt he Bridal Suite. The groom wanted to order up some breakfast.

"I will have a pot of coffee to start. Your big slam 3 egg breakfast. Double up the toast and make it whole grain. A side of pancakes too. And send up a pitcher of orange juice too."

The front counter clerk said, "You two are hungry. You have worked up quite the appitite haven't you?"

The groom replied to this, "Oh! That's just for me. Send up a leaf of lettuce for my wife. I want to see if she eats like a rabbit too."

 

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between complete and finished.

However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Samsunder Balgogin, a Guanese, was the clear winner.

His final challenge was this: "Some say there is no difference between complete and finished. Please explain the difference between complete and finished in a way that is easy to understand."

His astute asnswer: "When you marry the right woman, you are complete. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are finished. If the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished."

 

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?































The wheelchair

 

Gilbert Godfried said" I think Ray Rice misunderstood me when I saw his fiancé and said I would totally hit that."

 

A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The husband , anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".

 

**********

 

A husband went to police station to report his missing wife:
Husband : I’ve lost my wife, she went shopping yesterday and has still not come home.
Sergeant : What is her height ?
Husband : Oh, 5 something . . .
Sergeant : Build?
Husband : Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant : Color of eyes?
Husband : Never noticed.
Sergeant : Color of hair?
Husband : Changes according to season.
Sergeant : What was she wearing?
Husband : Dress/suit/blue jeans -- I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant : Did she go in a car?
Husband : yes.
Sergeant : What kind of car was it?
Husband : 2015 Corvette Stingray 3LT with the Z51 Performance Package, shark gray metallic paint, with the 6.2 litre V8 engine with Direct Injection generating 460 HP. 8-speed paddle-shift automatic transmission, and GT bucket seats, and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.……………. at this point the husband started crying...
Sergeant : Don't worry sir.......We’ll find your car.

 

Bahahahaha!

 

Hi, y'all. No jokes from me but this happened to me today: started my VFR & let her idle. Temp goes up as normal. Then I smelled a strong burnt toast odor coming from the engine bay. Shut the engine in a panic started looking every where, nothing but the smell! Half-removed the fairing & looked inside: nothing but the burnt smell! then looked at the space where the rear exhaust is and:

 

At least you weren't having a stroke! hahaha

 

Looks like a pop tart...wtf

 

Eating crackers on your bike?! Could have been a squirrel or something.

 

Thats freekin hilarious. ...I would of loved to have seen your expression when you found that......

 

Don't even have the slightest idea HOW that got there. Someone must have put that there. Only thing I can think of.
Duccman, after hearing so many stories on fried electricals on this forum, I feared for the worse!

 

Ya no shit...02 and no probs yet...maybe the wife is screwing with ya?

 

A $7 dollar voltmeter goes a long way just sayin

 

I looked at this post initially on my cell phone while I was away and thought WTF is thisposted here for? Now at home, on a decent computer (debatable) with a much larger picture, I can make out the detail. That's a table slapper.