Humor Thread

Advice needed!

 

Sounds familiar but with me it was a 71 Lemans convertable about 34 years ago. I just got rid of the piece of shit to end my headaches. The car lasted me another 10 years.

 

That post by marriedman reminded me of digging my own version of "Dear Abby":

Dear Abby:

I'm a crack dealer in Santa Ana who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus.
My parents live in a suburb of Los Angeles, and one of my sisters, who lives in Anaheim is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother were arrested last week for growing and selling marijuana, and are currently dependent on my other two sisters who are prostitutes in Garden Grove.
I have two brothers, one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Tehachapi for a murder of a teenage girl in 1994. The other is now held in the Theo lacy facility on charges of neglecting his ten children.
I am engaged to marry a former Mexican prostitute who lives in Fullerton and, indeed is still a part-time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited, however, as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am whishing my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the streets, and hopefully, the heroine.
My problem is this: I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course, I want to be totally honest with her. So here is where I need your advice:
should I tell her about my cousin who voted for Obama?
Signed
Worried About My Reputation

 

I know--
It`s been on before but I have just found it again and thought some may not have seen it--

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iaB40TLQE8M

 

How about a cup of cheese?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLUSfMIQ8Rk

 

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will recognize this. Magnum Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy,"How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"




From across the room a voice said, " Pizza delivery guy from Domino's ."

 

How to reconize a gay bar

How to recognize a gay bar

 

Mickey had been in police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
" Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00…."
" Great! " says Mickey, " After six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Cliff is leaving, he stops. " Gotta warn you. Be some drinking... "
" Not a problem, " says Mickey. " After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. " More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting too.."
" Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again."
" Might be some wild sex, too."
"Now that’s REALLY not a problem!" says Mickey, warming to the idea. "I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’"
Cliff replies, "Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

I think this counts as humorous....http://www.theuntappedsource.com/blog/best-worst-logo-designs/

and this one too: http://distractify.com/fun/fails/24-flawless-responses-to-wrong-number-texts/

 

What's the difference between a Scottish farmer and a Rolling Stone?

A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scottish farmer says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe"

 

This morning I was in luck and was able to buy two cartons of Victorian Bitter cheaply at the local bottle O.

Placing the boxes carefully on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short mini skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.

She glanced at the two boxes of beer, bent over leaning in my passenger window and said in a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" ...

After thinking about it for a few seconds then replied to her "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

 

GUNFIGHT RULES


IN A GUN FIGHT.... THE MOST IMPORTANT FIRST RULE IS.....
Have a gun has always been the first rule,

Shooting Advice from various Concealed Carry Instructors.
If you own a gun, you will appreciate these rules.
If not, you should get one and learn how to use it and learn the rules :

A; Guns have only two enemies: rust and politicians.

B; It’s always better to be judged by 12 than carried by 6.

C; Cops carry guns to protect themselves, not you.

D; Never let someone or something that threatens you get inside arms length

E; Never say "I've got a gun." If you need to use deadly force, the
first sound they hear should be the safety clicking off.

F; The average response time of a 911 call is 23 minutes, the response
time of a .357 is 1400 feet per second

G; The most important rule in a gunfight is: Always win - cheat if necessary

H; Make your attacker advance through a wall of bullets . . . You may
get killed with your own gun, but he'll have to beat you to death with
it, cause it'll be empty

I; If you're in a gun fight:
If you're not shooting, you should be loading.
If you're not loading, you should be moving,
If you're not moving, you're dead.

J; In a life and death situation, do something . . . It may be wrong,
but do something!

K; If you carry a gun, people call you paranoid. Nonsense! If you have a
gun, what do you have to be paranoid about?

L; You can say 'stop' or 'alto' or any other word, but a large bore
muzzle pointed at someone's head is pretty much a universal language.

M; You cannot save the planet, but you may be able to save yourself and
your family.

If you believe in the 2nd Amendment,--forward others you know who also believe .

"Peace is that brief glorious moment in history when everybody stands
around reloading". --Thomas Jefferson--

 

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says,

"Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" Exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," Says the duck.

"Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.

"It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub.. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks.

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him:

"You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvellous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,

"Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?"
Repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" the duck asks again.

"With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.

"Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

Looking somewhat puzzled The duck shakes his head and says.........






"What the feck would they want with a plasterer??!"

 

..........

 

Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.

 

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife every finds out, she'll kill me!

 

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow and swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything
in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck
it up his arse, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his arse, pulled
it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his arse,
pulled them out,and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He will eat
anything, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures
everything first."

 

Ethel checked into a motel on her 60th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."



She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled buns....



She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.



"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?



Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in,



"I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready!



Now how does that sound?"



He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press “ 9 ” for an outside line."

 

Not THAT Thomas Jefferson.

 

Biker Bob and Bubba, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Biker Bob turns to Bubba and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the Community College and sign up for some classes."
Bubba thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Biker Bob goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Biker Bob says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Biker Bob shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bubba at the bar. He tells Bubba about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bubba says, "What's that?"

Biker Bob says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay.