Humor Thread

I would like to apologize to anyone I have not offended.

Please be patient. I will get to you shortly

 

My first wife and I were happy for years. Then we met.

 

2 Irishmen going fishing early next Morning

Paddy: "I Set the alarm for 5 in the morning."

Murphy: "Don`t be a idiot Paddy, there`s only 2 of us"



=====================================================

The Italian Rowing Team:

After their failure in the Beijing 2008 Olympic rowing events, the Italians decided to send a spy over to the Great British camp to see if he can pick up any tips.

The spy returns after observing the British training.

“It’s so simple,” he says, “they have eight men rowing and only one man shouting and waving his arms.”

 

I was in the elevator when a busty lady got in.

I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1?

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards....

 

Why do I have to press "ONE" for English, when you're just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?!?

 

grey - thats fricken priceless!

 

priorities

 

Being popular here on VFRW is like sitting at the cool table at a mental hospital.

 

A man comes to the emergency room looking for his wife who collapsed and was taken there. The attending doctor brings him to separate room. "We tried everything we could, but she came in a little too late. She is totally paralyzed. You will have to take care of yourself, since we checked and your insurance will not cover her. She will live for about 20 years, but you will have to spoon feed her 10 times a day, bath her five times a day, carry her to the bathroom 12 times a day and give her medication 15 times a day." The husband pondered how his life would now be and began crying. The doctor put his arm around him "Ah, I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

 

Yay, we're sitting at the cool table. :rockon:

 

A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who
had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the desk sergeant.

"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

 

A very attractive, well dressed lady strolled into the local watering hole, slipped onto a barstool, and asked the bartender for a shot of his very best Scotch. The bartender poured her a shot of his house brand and slid it over. She took a sip, spit it back into his face and said, "none of that house crap! I want your finest Scotch!" When the bartender argued that she couldn't tell one from another she slapped a Franklin on the bar and wagered that could not only could she tell the brand but the year it was made and where it was from as well! The bartender accepted her challenge and began lining shots on the bar. Carefully sampling and savoring each one she made good on her bet, telling not only the brand and region but the age as well.

An old drunk who'd been watching slid a shot glass down the bar in front of her and said, "Try this one". She quickly downed it, began gagging and sputtering, and said, "that's not Scotch, it's PEE!"
The drunk responded, "Yeah, I know that! Now tell me how old I am!!"

 

Three old men are sitting out side the retirement home.

The first guy says" I am 80 years old, in pretty good health, I just wish I could take a pee in the morning"
They all agreed that would be good.
The second man said " I am 85 and I do not have that problem, but I have problem with my movements in the morning."
Again they agreed that would be good.
The third man said "Well, I am 90 & every morning at just about 7 I take a good relaxing pee, then about 8 I have a big movement"
They agreed that was great.
Then the man said "I just wish I could get out of bed before 9."

 

This may be a re-post but I don't have the time to check so bazinga!



In a recently linguistic competition held in London and attended by supposedly the best in the world,
Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese man, was the clear winner with a standing ovation, which lasted over 5 minutes.
The final question was: How do you explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.

Some people say there is NO difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Here is his astute answer…….

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED,
and when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

He won a trip to travel the world in style and a case of 25 year old rum.

 

I'll take complete for a thousand Alex.......

 

Andrea Dovizioso


Marco Biaggi


Valentino Rossi


Francesco Schettino


Must be an Italian thing.

 

OMFG! That is fucking hilarious!

 

Francesco Schettino tried getting a job here in the states:



He was let go shortly after.

 

Disneyland wouldn't hire him to pilot one of their submarines! But BC Ferries would hire him on the spot. Their captains have been known to run big ferries right into the rocks and sink them loaded with all kinds of cars and trucks.