Humor Thread

When I think of you, I touch myself. I rub certain parts of my body that gives relief. This translates to I rub my temples, because the thought of you gives me a fucking migraine.

 

This is when you know that they are serious about speed enforcement.

 

Q: If I have a cooler at my campsite and there are 10 cold bottles of beer in there. And you come along and take half of them, what do you have?

A: A fucking black eye, broken arm and swollen nuts.

 

Yeah, pretty much...

 

Now! Ain't that the truth? An all too common problem these days.

 

Hi Guys,
as this thread concerns humour, listen to this :

There is an insurance Company, there is a VFR to be insured, so, the VFR owner asks : how is the price for a policy covering civil liability driving my VFR ?
Well, they answred at rhe Company : € 300; well, I subscribe this, said the VFR owner ; I will send you a bank transfer from my town...
Sorry, answered the Cpmpany clerk : if you live in Naples, the price is € 1200.
I think that you will not find this is funny story; in fact, it is not a funny story : it is the truth, here in Italy, Southern inhabitants pay 4 four time more expensive the insurance policy only due to the fact we live....in the South !
Ciao, boys, excuse me to have ocuppied this place, it was only to hare a sad/smiling story.
Lamps to you all
Carmine

 

Yes...but Naples is full of gypsies, thieves, pickpockets and beggars, so it's not surprising that insurance costs more. It would be like me living in downtown Detroit and wondering why the insurance on my Cadillac was sky-high.

 

Dear Rainbow 7,
I think that you should come to visit us and our town : ask, for exemple, Rhino 88 (Peter) a guy from N.Z. who was here in 2010 how much kind persons he met here.
The problem was : soes it happens anuwhere that insurance policy (expecially for motorcycles) cost different prices dependng on geographical location even if it concerns the same cpuntry ?
That was all. No matter to open a discussion based on polemic thinking about people all around the world and their/good/bad fame.
Lamps to everybody. Carmine

 

A man owned a small farm in Kansas.
The Kansas Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

“I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.

” Well,” replied the farmer, “there’s my farm hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $700.00 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500.00 per week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $100.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to — the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the farmer.

 

THE MALE CYCLE

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen who cried all the time and threatened suicide.

So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.

So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

 

Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.

 

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Golf Is Better Than Sex...

#10... A below par performance is considered damn good.
#09... You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#08... It's much easier to find the sweet spot.
#07... Foursomes are encouraged.
#06... You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#05... Three times a day is possible.
#04... Your partner doesn't hire a lawyer if you play with someone else.
#03... If you live in Florida , you can do it almost every day.
#02... You don't have to cuddle with your partner when you're finished.

And the NUMBER ONE reason why golf is better than sex.....

#01... When your equipment gets old you can replace it!

 

All true except the last part "followed by a good bottle of beer". In our case it would be "followed with more beer" as we tend to indulge while we attempt to hit that irritating little white thing and then console our selves as we tally the results with more beer.

 

It is really too bad the two sides of the house cannot get together and pass a budget so Federal workers can get back on the job and Americans and visitors there, can go back to seeing the American monuments. But for those who really want to see Rushmore, head up to Estevan Saskatchewan with a good set of field glasses and you can still see Mount Rushmore.

 

There are some things that crack me up bout this post, Randy. 1) A Canadian telling the USA Government to quit acting like a bunch of 4 year olds 2) that the joke (THE USA Government) is really all you had to say 3) they are mooning you. Or all Canadians.

I saw this first without the picture via e-mail, so you, I do believe right now what the feds are doing is a joke.

 

An old man walks into his bedroom late one night with a sheep under his arms which alarms his wife who is in bed. He says, "My dear, I just want you to know that this is the cow that I have been sleeping with."

The wife says, "You old, stupid and blind fool! That is a sheep that you have in your arms!"

The old man says, "You old, presumptuous bitch! I was clearly talking to the sheep."

 

A farmer sees a stranger trespassing on his land, drinking from a stream.
He yells, "Hey, don't drink that! It's full of cow shit and horse piss, and poison from the dip tank!"
The stranger looks up and replies, "I sorry but I Somali and not understand. Please speaking slowly?"
The farmer replies, "If.... you.... use.... two.... hands....you....won't.... spill ....any."

 

Little Johnny visits his uncle's farm and sees a bull mounting a cow. Wow! says Johnny. Look at that bull fucking that cow! "Don't use that word," scolds his uncle. If you have to refer to that sort of behavior say that the bull is "surprising" the cow. That evening Little Johnny and his uncle's family are sitting down to dinner.
Johnny glances out of the window and says, Holy ! That bull is really surprising those cows!! His uncle says, you mean "cow" --- a bull can't suprise more than one cow at once"
Oh, yes, he can, replies Johnny.They're watching him fuck that horse!!!!!!

 

Never pass judgement on a person from drinking.

Pass judgement on a person for NOT drinking. Those fuckers are up to something.

 

A guy's wife asked for a boob job. He dashed to the restroom and unrolled about 4 feet of TP, wadded it up and handed it to her.
"what's this for?" she asked.
"Rub it in between your boobs."
"Huh?" she queried, "How is that going to make my boobs bigger?"
I dunno, but look what it's done to the size of your butt over the years.