Humor Thread

Ain't gotta outrun the bear, just gotta outrun you!

 

If I were just to go hiking with my ex wife, I would not have to worry about bears in the slightest. She is quite capable of scaring the shit even out of a Kodiak or Cinnamon bear.

 

Randy before his X was X.

 

She had lost weight by time that picture was taken!

 

If you are reading this, you have survived everything in your entire life that had been put your way up to this point. You have survived traumas, heartbreak, devastation, the different phases of life.

And here you are!

You go motherfucker. You're awesome!

 

EPIC FAIL!!!


[video=youtube;Ug5zKwJuWbU]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ug5zKwJuWbU[/video]

 

I think they missed a name: Wat Da Fuk

I hope the intern at the NTSB gets a commendation for his actions.

 

I am not exactly electronically literate. I get by with asking questions from those in the know. Can I tape a movie from cable TV, then fax it from my VCR to my CD-ROM, then e-mail it to my brother's cellular phone so he can make a copy on his neighbour's camcorder?

 

Yes, but only if the time is set correctly on the VCR.

 

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.

 

A man was in a terrible car losing one of his eyes. The doctor
explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one,
so the man agrees and chooses the least expensive option a wooden eye.

Some months pass and the mans friends come over to visit him worried
he has not been out of the house inviting to a party at another friends
house that night.

When they get there people are dancing and having a good time. The man
quietly finds a seat in a corner. After a time the friends find the man
again and tell him he should get up and dance pointing out a women
sitting looking lonely across the room in the opposite corner.

As he walks over to her to ask her to dance, getting nearer he realizes
she has a hair lip. He thinks to himself, what a great pair we make
with my wooden eye and her hair lip.

The man walks nervously up to the women asking her politely if she would
like to dance? Excited at someone is asking her to dance she jumps up
saying a loud " WOULD I " WOULD I " being already self concious and now
embarrassed he points right back at her face yelling " HAIR LIP " " HAIR LIP "

 

Thanks Frank Somerville for the apology. The same guy who said on air early in the coverage that, paraphrasing, "Apparently 60 people are unaccounted for from the flight. Now these people may have walked off of the flight and into the terminal, or been taken off by emergency personnel, but we may assume at this point that 60 people have died inside the wreckage of the flight! 60 dead"

20 minutes later..."We'd like to correct our early reporting that 60 may have died but have now been confirmed as survivors...."

KTVU = National Enquirer

 

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, "Wedding Cake."

 

funny for the day

 

ELDER BANKING

The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Sir:

I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.

Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.

Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH

#1. To make an appointment to see me

#2. To query a missing payment.

#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

#4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.

Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.

#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through

#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.

#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.

While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?

Your Humble Client,


And remember:
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

 

new sign at Walmart

 

The Best Pub in the World...

A Scotsman, an Englishman and a Newfoundlander were sitting in a bar in Toronto. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

"As good as this is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he will buy the fifth drink for you."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, that's nothin'," said the Newfie. "Back home in Sin Jahn's there's the Codfish Bar. The moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman immediately shout down the Newfie's claims, but he swears every word is true.

"Well," said the Englishman, still suspicious. "Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me myself, personally, no," admitted the Newf. "But it did happen to me sister quite a few times."

 

Psychology 101 -


If you start with a cage containing five monkeys and inside the cage, hang a banana on a string from the top and then you place a set of stairs under the banana, before long a monkey will go to the stairs and climb toward the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, you spray all the other monkeys with cold water.

After a while another monkey makes an attempt with same result ... all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

Now, put the cold water away.

Remove one monkey from the cage and replace it with a new one.

The new monkey sees the banana and attempts to climb the stairs. To his shock, all of the other monkeys beat the crap out of him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five monkeys, replacing it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment...... with enthusiasm, because he is now part of the "team".

Then, replace a third original monkey with a new one, followed by the fourth, then the fifth. Every time the newest monkey takes to the stairs, he is attacked.

Now, the monkeys that are beating him up have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs. Neither do they know why they are participating in the beating of the newest monkey.

Finally, having replaced all of the original monkeys, none of the remaining monkeys will have ever been sprayed with cold water. Nevertheless, not one of the monkeys will try to climb the stairway for the banana.

Why, you ask? Because in their minds...that is the way it has always been!

This, my friends, is how Parliament operates... and this is why, from time to time: ALL of the monkeys need to be REPLACED AT THE SAME TIME.

 

So there's 3 construction workers working on a skyscraper. One brunette, one red-head, and a blonde. At lunch, the brunette opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I get them everyday! If I get one more PB&J I'm going to jump off this building!" Then the red-head opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? I am so sick of those! Next time, I'm jumping off this building!" Then the blonde opens his lunchbox and there's a peanutbutter and jelly sandwich. He says, "Aww man, ANOTHER peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Will I ever get something else?! One more and I'm jumping too."
The next day each of them open their lunches to discover PB&j's, so they jump off the building and die.
At their funeral the brunette's wife cries and says, "Why did I pack him peanutbutter and jelly sandwiches, why!?" The red-head wife cries and says, "Why didn't I pack him something else, WHY!?!?" Then the blonde's wife says, "Don't look at me, he made his own lunch."

 

Beverly is 90 years old. She's played golf every day since her retirement 25 years ago. One day she arrives home looking sad.

"That's it," she tells her husband. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I can't see where it went."

Her husband makes her a cup of tea, and says, "Why don't you take me with you and give it one more try."

"That's no good" sighs Beverly , "you're a hundred and three. You can't help."

"I may be a hundred and three", says Gus," but my eyesight is perfect."

So the next day Beverly heads off to the golf course with her husband, Gus. She tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.

She turns to the husband and says, "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied Gus. "I have perfect eyesight".

"Where did it go?" says Beverly .

"I don't remember."