Humor Thread

The mechanic was removing the cylinder head from the motor of a BSA, when he spotted the world-famous heart surgeon in his shop. The heart surgeon was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hello Doctor, please come on over here for a minute."

The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic where he stood.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked,
"So doctor, look at this here. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and ensure clear airways, when I finish, this will work just like a new one. So how come you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The doctor smiled, leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic.

"Try doing it with the engine running!!

 

Dear "Magazine Advise Column",

I am a Sailor in the Australian Navy. My parents live in Perth WA.
My brother-in-law is an Englishman living in Adelaide, South Australia.
My mother and father have been busted for Drug Running and depend upon my two sisters who are prostitutes in Melbourne.
My only brother is serving life for rape and murder. I am in love with an Aboriginal prostitute who solicits around the Naval Dockyard. She says she loves me, but knows nothing about my family background. We intend to marry as soon as her VD clears up.
My being white doesn't bother her at all.

When I get out of the Navy we will open a Brothel in Brisbane and my two sisters will work there to keep the business in the family.
My problem is this. I want to marry this girl and bring her into my family and I want to be completely honest with her....

Should I tell her about my Brother-in-law???
(signed)
PERPLEXED

 

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV.
My car stalled and then it broke down about a mile from home, so I had to walk back home to get my husbands help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes, he was in our bedroom with our neighbors daughter.

I am 32 my husband is 34 and the young girl is 19, we have been married for 11 years, when I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for 6 months, he refuses to go to counseling, and I'm afraid I'm a wreck and need advice urgently.
Can you please help??
Sheila


Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine.
Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line, if it clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold, also check all grounding wires.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps
John

 

Yet another reason men should not write advise columns: http://vfrworld.com/forums/introductions/27017-dear-randy.html

 

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a
cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the
bank which was worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut!

 

A man goes to the dentist to have a tooth pulled.

The dentist starts to get an anesthetic ready in a syringe. "Oh no doctor!!! No needles!!! Im deathly afraid of needles. I just cant do needles"

The dentist gets the nasal mask and gets the nitrous oxide ready. " Oh no doc!!! I cant do the mask!!! It feels like Im going to suffocate to death if I have that mask on. I cant do the mask!!"

The dentist then asks the patient, "can you do pills?" The man replays, "Oh yes doctor, I can do pills." The doctor goes to his cabinet and retrieves two blue pills. The patient takes them.

"Doc, what were those two blue pills you gave me?"

"Its viagra." stated the dentist.

"Wow!!! I didnt know that viagra was a great pain killer"

The dentist says, "its not. While I pull your tooth, this will give you something to hold on to."

 

Larry Is In The Hospital . . . .....

Who in the hell is Larry?

Well Larry is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Larry replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill tattooed on my privates" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Chartered Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates"

"Well, one! I like to watch my money grow.

Two! once in a while I like to play with my money.

Three! I like how money feels in my hand.”

“And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

That's why Larry is in the hospital.

 

THE ABORIGINAL AND THE GAY MAN

It was coming to the end of the day and sitting in his tiny almost deserted local pub in far off, distant Mt. Isa was an Aboriginal.

He was having a few beers as usual when a short well dressed and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him.

After three or four beers, the gay man leaned over towards the Aboriginal and whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"

The Aboriginal leaped up with fire in his eyes knocked the gay man off his stool and smacked the shit out of him.

He dragged him out of the bar and left him bruised and battered in the car park and returned to his seat at the bar.

Not entirely amazed at what just happened, the barman quickly brought over another beer to the Aboriginal and said, "I've never seen you react as badly as that before.

What did he say to you?"

"I don't know," ...... "Something about a job."

 

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world
leaders....!

"Some years ago President Clinton was hosting a state
dinner when, at the last minute, our regular cook fell ill,
and we had to get a replacement on short notice.

The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but
was told that this was the best they could do on such short
notice."

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his
finger in the soup to taste it and again complained to the
Chief Of Staff, but he was told that this man was supposed
to be a very good chef."

"The meal went okay, but Bill thought that the soup tasted
a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to
have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and
worse until finally the President had to excuse himself

"By now, Bill was desperately ill with violent cramps
and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which
door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing
out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened."

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his
horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office
with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to
pass out, she bent over him and heard the President whisper
in a barely audible voice:"

"Sack my cook."

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole
misunderstanding occurred."

 

Subject: Two Business Men



Two tradesmen had stopped for a break in the new shop they were fitting out.

As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.

One said to the other,
"I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by,
put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the
window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,

"What are you selling here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
"Must be doing well...Only two left."

 

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action.. but as it gallops along at its steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but despite her best efforts, slides down the horse's flanks..

The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety.

Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground time and time again.

As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune,

Fred, the Woolworth's trolley boy, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

 

Group of bikers saw a girl about to jump off a bridge

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity.

He asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she’s finished, the biker says, “Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?”

“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl……”

Authorities are still attempting to determine if the deceased had jumped off the bridge or was pushed.

 

A seriously depressed woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get the nerve up to jump.

An old man passing stops and says, "Since you're about to kill yourself anyway, would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman said "Hell no, you pervert....get away from me!"

The old man turned to leave and muttered, "Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

 

Lazy man loading cargo onto an airplane. :biggrin:

[video=youtube;tPzRPga6uDg]http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=tPzRPga6uDg[/video]

 

A Man at work calls home and his 8 year old daughter pick up the phone.

"Hi honey! This is Daddy is mommy near the phone?"

"No daddy she is upstairs with Uncle Paul."

After a breif pause, " but honey you dont have an Uncle Paul"

"Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now and the door is locked"

"OK honey this is what I want you to do. I want you to put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the door. Then I want you to tell mommy and Uncle Paul that daddys car just pulled up in the driveway."

The little girl says, "ok daddy." A while later she returns.

Daddy says, "so what happened?"

"Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of bed and ran around the room and tripped and hit her head on the dresser and now she is not moving."

"What about Uncle Paul?"

The little girl says, "Uncle Paul, climbed out the window and jumped into the pool. But I guess you forgot to tell him that you drained the pool last week. Now hes not moving and there is a lot of blood."

After a long pause the man says, "Swimming pool? But we dont have a swimming pool. Is this 486-3713?"

The little girl says, "no this is 486-3731"

"Sorry, Wrong number"

 

And for your viewing pleasure

It's Not About the Nail on Vimeo

 

61 pages of jokes..i couldnt read them all, but...

what did adam say the first time eve bathes in the river? great, now all the fish are going to stink

 

An 82 year old guy loves to fish.

He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,


'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,


'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'

The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.



' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.

The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?

I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,


'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'

 

I was out fishing the other day, and ran out of bait. Caught too many of the tree fish apparently. I was heading to shore, to call it a day, when I saw this snake in the water with a frog in it's mouth that was pretty close to me. Even though poisonous, I knew it couldn't bite me with a frog in it's mouth. So , I reached down, grabbed it behind's it's head, and took the frog out of it's mouth and threw it in my bait bucket. So now the snake...what to do I thought. I looked around, saw my whiskey sitting there, so I poured a little down it's throat. It's eyes rolled back, and seemed to stop fighting me. So, since by this time I was pretty close to shore, i let it go on the bank, and went back to fishing, using this frog as bait.

A couple hours later, I felt something at my feet. Not knowing what it was, I cautiously looked down. It was that snake again, but this time it had two frogs for me...

 

We here in Canada have our own thoughts on gun possession but here is a true story that is in favour of handgun possession.

A young lady and her boyfriend were our hiking in the woods in Alberta Canada and were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at them from out of now where. It is believed that the cow bear was just protecting her cubs nearby. The woman had a tiny Beretta Jetfire which is a .25 cal weapon. This bear was charging very aggressively.

The woman honestly believes that had it not been for her having this Beretta, she would not be here today.

Just one shot to her boyfriends knee cap was all it took; the bear got him and she was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.