Humor Thread

Ammunition is getting scarce, but this morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my truck and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "what kinda ammo ya got?"

 

These should make you laugh... [TABLE="width: 100%"] The human body has 7 trillion nerves.......my wife manages to get on every fucking one of them. _________________________________________________________ I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she’s actually moving during sex… ———————————————————————————— My wife said that she was leaving me because I always exaggerate. I was so shocked I almost tripped over my cock. ———————————————————————————— I went to the doctor’s office the other day and found out that my new doctor is a young female and drop dead gorgeous. I was embarrassed, but she said, “Don't worry, I am a professional – I've seen it all before. Just tell me what’s wrong and I'll check it out. I said, “My wife thinks that my dick tastes funny” ———————————————————————————— I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch, it turns out that she loves Alan, my best friend…… ———————————————————————————— A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!” His wife asks him, “What are you watching?” Husband replies, “Our bloody wedding video” ———————————————————————————— Life is like a penis. Soft and hanging freely. It’s women that make it hard ———————————————————————————— I said to the wife, “Get me a newspaper” “Don't be silly,” she said “You can borrow my iPad” That spider never knew what fucking hit it. ———————————————————————– I bought a new perfume for my wife called Chloroform but she says she doesn't like it. She says that it makes her sleepy and her ass sore. **********************************

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Some of those made me piddle!

 

That one gave me a chuckle!

 

A turtle calls the cops and tells the cops that it was robbed by two snails.

When asked to describe the incident, the turtle replied sobbing, "I don't know. It all happened so fast!!"

 

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

 

My ex-wife thinks cooking and fucking are cities in China.

My ex-wife's parents told her she could be anything she wanted to be. So she became a bitch.

Tis better to have loved and lost....than have to live with the bitch the rest of my life.

My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea.

My ex-wife is like a good laxative... she irritates the shit out of you.

 

If your ever attacked by a group of clowns,
go for the juggler................................

 

Do you know the best thing about Alzheimer's ?

You can hide your own Easter eggs!

 

And each day, when you wake up, you meet new people.

 

And you are never lost. You are just exploring alternative destinations

 

You are correct Randy the Alzhiemers jokes never get old to the people who cant remember so they will laugh at the same joke again.

 

You are correct Randy the Alzhiemers jokes never get old to the people who cant remember so they will laugh at the same joke again..

 

Damn it... he must be blind plus hard of hearing.... I SAID," You are correct Randy the Alzhiemers jokes never get old to the people who cant remember so they will laugh at the same joke again.."

 

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger (diVeFR), pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

diVeFR was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, diVeFR glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."



Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain. I like to do the Hokey Pokey!

 

No but DMV gets pissed of about it and stack racking penalties on the registration renewal ...

 

Old cowboy: Give me 3 packets of condoms, please.

Cashier: Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?

Old cowboy: Nah.... She ain't that ugly!

 

They say a picture is worth a thousand words, this one I have no words for.

 

I would entitle this "Slammed" but that would be ignoring my first instinct which is to say "WTF".

Then a few more ideas flow into my peanut of a brain like "Pitty The Fool" but then I counter that thought with an image of bubba crusining with big mama on the back and it all starts to make sense. But why a 93? It's a veritable unicorn that should be preserved in it's natural state...