Humor Thread

"Does this smell like chloroform?"

:tongue:

 

A few jokes for our Kiwi friends. :wink:

Q. Two South Auckland guys jump off a cliff. Who wins?
A. Society.

Q. What does a South Auckland girl use as protection during sex?
A. A Bus shelter.

Q. What do you call a South Auckland Boy in a suit?
A. The defendant..

Q. Why did the South Auckland guy cross the road?
A. To start a fight, with a complete stranger, for no reason whatsoever.

Q. What do you call a South Auckland girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.

Q. If you are driving and you see a Bloke from South Auckland on a bike,
why should you try not to hit him?
A. It might be your bike.

Q. What’s the first question during a South Auckland quiz night?
A. What you looking at?

Q. Two South Auckland Blokes in a car without any music – who is driving?
A. The policeman!

Q. What do you say to a South Auckland person with a job?
A. A Big Mac please.

Q. What do you call a 30 year old South Auckland girl?
A. Granny.

Q. If two guys crash their cars in South Auckland who wins?
A. Both do, they call it a swap meet,

 

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said,
"I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle,
and I got hit with a cannonball, but I'm fine now."
The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook?
What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle.
I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off.
I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over.
I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender.
"You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'

The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'

The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'

The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'

The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."

 

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!” Thinking back, I really should have legged it – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

 

Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi guy, an Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the loud sound of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old Greek lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the Kiwi again.

 

I got knocked out by my girfriends sister yesterday

What sort of sick bitch puts chloroform on their dirty knickers :bounce:

 

I'm not the best looking guy; some would say I'm a little frayed around the edges these days.

But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.

I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.

She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought, "Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!"

 

Best Military Quote Ever:

"When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional, and now it's legal.

I'm getting out before Obama makes it mandatory."

 

Oh man, that's just sooooo wrong. :jaw: :evil: ound:

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?" The priest replies "My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath!" The drunk muttered in response "Well, fuck me!" Then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" The drunk answered "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".

 

A husband says to his wife...... "What would you do if I won the lottery?"



She says...."I would take half of your winnings, then leave you."


"Excellent," he replies...."I won 12 bucks, here's $6, now get the fuck out."

 

A British engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He is makeing land mines that look like prayer mats. His business is doing very well. In fact Prophets are going through the roof!

 

The Nudist Colony


A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony....On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.....Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.

'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.

'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.

The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'

'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'

The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'

 

The other day I was walking down the street, a lady in front of me looked back and with a horrified look on her face started walking faster. I didn't look back, just started walking faster. She looked back and started running, I started running also. She screamed, I screamed!

To this day, I still have no idea what was chasing us!!

 

My ears took this in today......was stated as the worst pick up line and it may be.....
"My dick just died.......can I bury it in your ass?"

 

It is a bit funny.....lol.....right there with two peanuts were walking down the road.......one was assaulted . Did I just ruin this thread?

 

Both make me giggle a bit.

 

When I saw the latest post was by "Toe Cutter", I immediately thought "Hey, I didn't know Toe had jokes!". Obviously, I was right.

 

OOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooo, low blow Snakie