Humor Thread

A husband and wife were having dinner

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it means that you don't get any more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Ferraris and Lexus's in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

Two kids are talking to each other. One says, "I'm really worried. My dad works twelve hours a day to give us a nice home and good food.

My mom spends the whole day cleaning and cooking for me. I'm worried sick!"

The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about? Sounds to me like you've got it made!"

The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"

 

10 reasons you've been around computers too Long:

1) When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

2) When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

3) When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

4) When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

5) When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

6) When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

7) When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

8) When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

9) When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

10) When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.

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Edit - The sad part is if you get this joke you have been.

 

I think this one is a repeat. I'm too old to remember anymore. Or care. So here you go:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!". He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party, the one I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?' She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

Son. How often must I tell you. On January 26th 201, your were born, not downloaded.

 

Who First Uttered the phrase "You gotta be shittin me"?

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

 

"Hello Bonjour. Welcome to Health and Welfare Canada, the Canadian Social Services and Benifits Department.

Press "1" if you speak English.
'Press ''2'' if you speak French.
Press "3" to be disconnected until you learn one of our official languages.

Have a nice day."

I only wish..........:canada:

 

Not a Joke but can anyone suggest a witty comeback rhyming with husband when my wife Ace's me out during any " discussion " thats not going her way with " happy wife happy life " ? :noidea:

 

"When the husband pleased, your life's at ease"

 

"Hey, shouldn't you be making me a sandwich................."

 

Try this. Click.

what did the five fingers say to the face? - YouTube

 

Wanna stay happy? Get me a beer.

 

I have seen this commercial that's trying to sell engagement rings, and they say, "What's that one word you think of before asking Her to marry you", and the 1st thing that came to mind was "Nuptial", but they were thinking "Kay's" (Jewelery).

 

"A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."


"Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home."
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is that common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."



A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
"But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

 

It's getting punny in here

 

I am a self taught gynecologist. Can't seem to land any jobs as there aren't too many openings.

What's the difference between a bartender and a proctologist?
A proctologist only has to deal with one ass hole at a time.

I went to the bank to check my balance. But I fell.

(Drum sound for ba dum Tshh!).

 

Doctors vs. Gun Owners

Doctors

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services.

Now think about this:
Guns

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S.is 80,000,000. (Yes, that's 80 million)
(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188

Statistics courtesy of FBI

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

Remember, 'Guns don't kill people, doctors do.'

FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT
Almost everyone has at least one doctor. This means you are over 9,000 times more likely to be killed by a doctor as by a gun owner!!!

Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, We withheld the statistics on lawyers
For fear the shock would cause People to panic and seek medical attention!

 

bwahahahaha

 

I was making oot with Bweiss's mom and she said "I think I swallowed your gum"
I said "No, I just cleared my throat".

 

This talks about accidental shooting but what about when people shoot other people on purpose! I'm sure the numbers change quite a bit!! :chaingun: Bieber :chaingun: Gaga :chaingun: Dick Chaney