Humor Thread

There was a catholic priest, a baptist minister and a jewish rabbi having lunch together one day talking about how divine their faiths are. The priest says my faith is so good I could convert a bear. The minister and rabbi said they could also.

So in order for each one to prove it they each set off in to the forest to find a bear. They were to meet at the diner 4 days later to see who accomplished the task.

The priest and the minister meet back at the diner. Each one had injuries from their encounters. They found out the rabbi was in the hospital.

The priest was all scratched and bruised up with some hair missing. The minister ask him what happened. The priest replied everything was going great until I threw the holy water on the bear. Then the bear jumped me. He banged me around some then ran off.

The minister had a broken arm, 3 broken ribs and many bruises. The priest ask what happen to him. The minister said everything was going fine until I tried to baptize the bear. I stuck his head under water and he went nuts on me. I dove under water and swam away.

They head off to the hospital to see the rabbi. They walk into his room to see the rabbi badly beaten up with tubes coming out of his body. They were aghast at the site. The priest asks what happened.

The rabbi replies; I think my big mistake was starting with the circumcision............

 

The young man goes to confession. He says that he had sex with 5 different women the night before.
The priest replies, "I want you to take 5 lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink it quickly."
The man asks? Will that pardon my sins?
The Priest, "No, but it will wipe the smirk off your face!"

 

Two rednecks, Jake and Bubba, were sitting in a bar one night watching rasslin' on the tube. At the end of the match was an advertisement. A loud, obnoxious character came on screaming about the $10,000 dollars prize money for anyone who could defeat "The Killer".

Jake looked at Bubba, a 6' 4" giant with the brain the size of a pea, and got an idea. He told Bubba, "I bet you could beat that guy. He doesn't look so rough, and you're no wimp." Bubba thought about it for a minute and agreed that he probably could.

The next weekend Jake and Bubba went down to the stadium where the tournament was to be held and signed Bubba up. An old man came up and started briefing them on the rules of the contest and such. Jake, seeing Bubba was a bit nervous, asked the old man for any tips. The old man looked up to Bubba and said, "Just you watch out for his pretzel hold. Ain't nobody ever gotten out that thing."

One by one, the contestants ahead of Bubba went in and came back balled up and hurting. Two hours after they arrived, Bubba's turn was finally up. In the ring, right before the bell rang, Bubba looked back at Jake and said,
"Don't worry buddy. I can avoid that pretzel thing." But not ten seconds after he had gotten up in the ring was The Killer laying on top of the contorted ball of Bubba and the referee was pounding the mat, counting to ten.

Jake screamed and started walking back to the locker rooms. He was pissed. He had shelled out $500 to get Bubba in this contest, and it didn't last 20 seconds. But right before he got to the door, the crowd went wild! Jake ran back to the ring to see Bubba with one foot on top of the unconscious Killer and one armed raised in the air by the referee.

Jake ran into the ring and jumped on Bubba. The crowd was out of control, and Jake and Bubba were $10,000 richer!

Later in the locker room, Jake confessed to Bubba he didn't see what happened. Bubba said, "Well, The Killer got me in his pretzel hold and I thought all was lost. I hurt like I'd never hurt before and all I could hear was the ref slamming his hand down counting to ten. Then I looked and in front of me I saw this big, hairy sack of balls. I had nothing to lose
and figured it might even help. So I stretched a little further and bit down as hard as I could on those things."

"Jake," Bubba said. "You wouldn't believe the strength a man gets when he bites his own balls."

 

A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark shades.
She says to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, ?"Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway......
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes......there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."
She paid it and left without saying a word

 

OLD IS WHEN....

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer 'Pick one; I can't do both!'


Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot..


A sexy babe or hunk catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.


Going braless pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.


You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.


You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police


'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.


'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.


An 'all nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

 

An old Italian gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual
tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man
wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my
tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden
plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would
be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up
the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man
and left.
That same day the old man received another letter from his son.


Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

 

If you are an obamy lover then check this site out
Laughing my ass off

 

Link fail, try again!!

 

10 years ago the USA had Steve Jobs, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.

Now they have no Jobs, no Hope and no Cash.

 

LMAObama » Barack Obama Photo Captioning » Historically Hilarious

fixt

 

Lonfg lasting marriages are true bliss:

 

Overheard in Church

In church on Sunday, I overheard the little old lady in the pew next to me saying a short private prayer. It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share it with you:



Dear Lord,

These past couple of years has been tough...... You have taken my favorite Actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor, my favorite Cowboy James Arness, my favorite athlete Bob Feller, my favorite singer Lena Horne and my favorite salesman Billy Mays.

I just wanted you to know that my favorite president is Barack Obama.

 

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like you're thinking." Then little JOHNNY says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little JOHNNY replied, "The correct answer is "the one with the wedding ring on," but I like you're thinking."

 

This is just wrong! What a guy.


My sweet husband invited me to go hunting with him this year. I couldn't believe it, the first time ever...after all these years.
I never thought he'd be willing to share his 'guy time' with me. And being the thoughtful man that he is he even gave me an opening day present.

He calls it 'The First Timers Lucky Hat'. I'm so fortunate to be married to him. I have attached a picture of me in my lucky hat, and we can hardly wait until "opening day!"

 

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?" Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own business."

 

So my older family members at weddings have now started poking me at pointing at the bride and groom saying you're next. I got tired of them doing this, so I started doing it back to them at funerals.

 

Mrs Gillespie, my grade one teacher was doing a quiz at school. She would ask "Class, what word starts with the letter A?" I put my hand up but Mrs Gillespie thought I was a naughty little boy with a foul mouth so she always refused to answer my hand.

Sally had her hand up and Mrs. Gillespie asked her what started with the letter A

Sally replied "Apple."

"Very good." Replied Mrs. Gillespie. "Class what starts with the letter B?"

I put my hand up and again Mrs. Gillespie ignored me and answered Bobby who replied "Box."

And this went on throughout the alphabet. But When Mrs. Gillespie asked "Class, what starts with the letter R?" No one had their hand up except me. "Class, what starts with the letter R?" Still no one had their hands up except me. Mrs. Gillespie thought this through and could not come up with any profanity that starts with the letter R so she asked me. "OK Randy, what starts with the letter R?"

I was so excited I got to answer. I jumped out of my seat and said "Rats!"

Mrs Gillespie looked so surprised and relieved for that matter and said" Very good Randy. I am so proud of you!"

I exclaimed, "Huge fucking rats with cocks on them 10 inches long!"

 

The Hotel Bill

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London 's most expensive hotels.


When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."


The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."


'But I didn't use them," she said.


''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow , and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"

The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." '

'That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Senior Citizens

 

9 months later!!!

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John's minivan and headed north.


After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, 'Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Keith .

'Did you, ah, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Keith's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?... )

 

An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, 'Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this buildin g.'

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, 'Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.'

The blonde opened his lunch and said, 'Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.'

The next day, the I rishman op ened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death a s well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, 'If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!'

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, 'I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much.'

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, 'Don't look at me. The idiot makes his own lunch.'