Humor Thread

Discussion in 'Anything Goes' started by 34468 Randy, Sep 28, 2008.

  1. FLYNVFR

    FLYNVFR New Member

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    BEST LAWYER STORY EVER....


    The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.


    The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?"


    The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"


    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?"


    The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.


    "Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"


    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had no idea."


    And the lawyer says, "So . . . if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?"
     
  2. Metallican525

    Metallican525 New Member

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    Congrats Randy on your Humor Thread reaching 1000 posts and beyond!!!!!!!!!! Good job Mr Prime Minister
     
  3. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    And be damned if it were not me who posted the 1000th. Thank you Metallican
     
  4. ILuvtheMountains

    ILuvtheMountains New Member

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    Billy Bob just got married to Bobby Sue (redneck wedding) and is getting ready to consumate (sp.?) the marriage when he gets to work and realizes that she is a virgin. Mortified he stops and calls his dad and tells him the news.
    What should I do? he says
    Dad says "By god, any girl who isn't good enough for her own kin isn't good enough for ours"
     
  5. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A horse, a cat and a fish walk into a gym. I don't remember the rest, but your mom's a cheap whore.
     
  6. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    In Memoriam

    With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started..
     
  7. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chile. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."
    He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the chili bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"
    The other guy says, "No. Help yourself."
    He takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, his fork hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes! the chili back into the bowl.
    The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."
     
  8. Keager

    Keager Member

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    Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of
    Homeland Security

    Terrorist Plots Discovered 0
    Transvestites 133
    Hernias 1,485
    Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172
    Enlarged Prostates 8,249
    Breast Implants 59,350

    Natural Blonds 3
     
  9. SilverSurferRWB

    SilverSurferRWB Member

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    HELL EXPLAINED


    BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT


    The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.


    The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :


    Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


    Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


    One student, however, wrote the following:
    First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely.. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

    Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


    This gives two possibilities:

    1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
    2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?
    If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...... ...leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

    THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+
     
  10. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    34468 Randy's take on golf:


    While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

    The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.

    I am consistantly 3 over par....each and every fucking hole

    Give me golf clubs, fresh air, cold beer and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
     
  11. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    If I offend anyone here by this then just suck it up:

    These days people are so quick to accuse others of "racism". The following story helps address that issue.

    My friend Bob of Dania Beach, Florida walked into a store and asked, "On what aisle is the Polish sausage".

    The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

    Bob, clearly offended, says, "Yes, it happens that I am Polish; but now let me ask you this: If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I asked for bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for whiskey would you ask if I was Irish?"

    The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    My friend Bob says, "Well then, just because I ask for Polish sausage why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"

    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."
     
  12. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    A couple were in thier bed ready to make love when their four year old son walked in an asked Daddy can I ride on your back, The Dad said no, when the wife told her husband it's OK honey he doesn't know whats going on, so he agreed. As they got in to the throws of passion and the wife started moaning and breathing heavy the little boy said, Daddy you better hold on yesterday when she did that me and the Milkman both almost hit the floor.
     
  13. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    So. I am teaching this cute little brunette number at work how to golf yesterday. "Just lift you head a bit and spread your legs!"
     
  14. John451

    John451 Member

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  15. tmyoungjr

    tmyoungjr New Member

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    Things to remember as your Wife gets older

    Things to remember as your wife gets older

    It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

    My name is John.. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Donna to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

    Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner..

    I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

    Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think.For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

    When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

    I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support my wife. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


    EDITOR'S NOTE:
    John died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club
     
  16. Knife

    Knife Member

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    (Although I'm posting this in the Humor Forum, it's really not at all funny.)

    All you Need to Know about Government Bureaucracy:

    ** Pythagorean theorem:..............................................................24 words.
    ** Lord's prayer:.............................................................................66 words.
    ** Archimedes' Principle:..............................................................67 words.
    ** 10 Commandments:................................................................179 words.
    ** Gettysburg address:................................................................286 words.
    ** Declaration of Independence :............................................1,300 words.
    ** US Constitution with all 27 Amendments:..........................7,818 words.
    ** US Government regulations on sale of cabbage:….......26,911 words.

    SORT OF PUTS THINGS INTO PROPER PERSPECTIVE, DOESN'T IT?
     
  17. Knife

    Knife Member

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    Little Johnny walks into his father's bedroom just as old Dad is strapping on a condom. He asks, "What are you doing, Daddy?" The flustered father goes with the first thing that pops into his head and says, "I'm going to catch a mouse". Little Johnny ponders this for a second and then says, "Then what are you going to do, fu*k it?"
     
  18. SilverSurferRWB

    SilverSurferRWB Member

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    My wife asked me the other day, "How many women have you slept with?"

    I proudly replied, "Only you, Darling. With all the others, I was awake."

    Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 AM to 8 PM
     
  19. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    This one courtesy Chomper

    Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace. Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

    Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour but it would not budge.

    'Harder' yelled Camilla.

    'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

    'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

    Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

    In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

    Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

    At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'
     
  20. 34468 Randy

    34468 Randy Secret Insider

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    Thier Assessment reopt would be a simple two word document. Fucked up.
     
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